Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

...Ditto! :bowdown::bowdown::bowdown:

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: Talk about being caught in the act... :yikes:

 

[vided]

Dr. Geezer's clinic *

​

​

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said:
"Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, I'll pay you $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great
opportunity to get $1,000 so he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.

Dr. Young got annoyed and went back after a couple of days, figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't! That is gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be $500."


Dr. Young, after having lost $1000, left angrily and came back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so," Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your eyesight back! That will be $500."


Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer" Remember: Don't make old people mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick off an old Geezer!
​

​

 

[Bob Denman]

You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants".
Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.
Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of
helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who
everybody credits with the work.
Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week.
Santa travels a lot.
Yup, Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!

 

[Bob Denman]

Name That Christmas Carol

Clues:
1. Bleached Yule
2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration
3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors
4. Righteous Darkness
5. Arrival Time2400 hrs - WeatherCloudless
6. Loyal Followers Advance
7. Far Off in a Feeder
8. Array the Corridor
9. Bantam Male Percussionist
10. Monarchial Triad
11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
13. Red Man En Route to Borough
14. Frozen Precipitation Commence
15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis
17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
18. Delight for this Planet
19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals






















Answers:
1. White Christmas
2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
3. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
4. O Holy Night
5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
6. O Come, All Ye Faithful
7. Away in a Manger
8. Deck the Hall
9. Little Drummer Boy
10. We Three Kings
11. Silent Night
12. God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen
13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
14. Let it Snow
15. Go, Tell It on the Mountain
16. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
17. What Child is This?
18. Joy to the World
19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
20. The Twelve Days of Christmas

 

[Bob Denman]

It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably
well, and I was ready to go back. The airport on the other end
had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying
elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone
who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I
was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in my luggage (which, for some reason, had become
one suitcase with entirely new clothes), I saw hanging mistletoe.
Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some
of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and
pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very
Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent
it, I said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I
would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of
mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

 

[stillriding]

You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants".
Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.
Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of
helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who
everybody credits with the work.
Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week.
Santa travels a lot.
Yup, Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!

You're describing judges!

 

[Bob Denman]

There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red. He stood looking out the windows of is palace one day while his wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!" Without even looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It must be sleeting." The Czar shook his head and said, "I am the Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

:shocked:

 

[PrairieSpyder]

Santa and His Old Lady

 

[vided]

 

[Tanshanomi]

Why are nuns celibate?

...It's hard to get out of the habit.

 

[Bob Denman]

Hi Patti!
You beat me to it... :2thumbs:
(The funniest Christmas Song ever!! :bowdown::bowdown::bowdown

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Zip]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?

"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch"

 

[vided]

 

[mowin]

View attachment 141218At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?

"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch"

That explains the grin.. :roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

:agree: :clap: