Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to
celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our
engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency
landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to
land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued
and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives".
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the
island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we
pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?" "No,
sweetheart.” she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing,
then asks, "Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?”
"Oy, no I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last
thing, Esther, did you remember to send a
check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?" he asks. "Oy,
forgive me, Abie," begged Esther.
"I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us."

 

[cuznjohn]

husband and wife on a plane taking a trip to Hawaii, the husband says i can't wait to get to Hawaii, the wife tells him, you saying it wrong sweetie, it is pronounced HAVAII. he laughs and says, it is Hawaii, but she insists it is HAVAII. so the husband taps the man on the shoulder in front of them and asks him. can you pleas tell my wife what is the proper way to say Hawaii. the man says IT IS HAVAII, the wife smiles and says THANK YOU, and the man says, YOUR VELCOME

 

[Bob Denman]

Oye... :clap:

 

[cuznjohn]

a blonde buys a ticket to Florida in coach on united. as she is sitting on the plane waiting for it to taxi out of the airport, she notices that there are a lot of seats open in the first class section. so she gets up and goes ans sits in one. one of the stewards notices she is not in her seat, and looks for her, and sees her in first class. the steward goes up to the blonde and tells her she can't sin in first class, and has to go back to her seat in the coach section. the blonde refuses. a big argument starts. with this the steward knocks on the captains door and asks to go in to talk to him. he lets her in and she tells him what is going on. he tells her to deal with it. she says, i have tried everything, but this frigging blonde just won't leave the first class seat. the captain smiles and says, she is blonde, i am married to a blonde, i will handle this. he gets up, puts on his hat, goes out to the lady and bends over and whispers something to her. with that she jumps up, says wow thank you, and scoots back to her seat and straps herself in. the steward is amazed. she looks at the captain and asks him, what did you say to her, i tried everything, and nothing worked. he smiled and said, i just told her that first class didn't stop in Florida

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"

His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

************************************

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish.

The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous."

God snapped his fingers and it happened.

The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing.

This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground.

When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

**************************************

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot.

The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000."

The idiot says, "Okay."

The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?"

The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?"

The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?"

The idiot hands over $5.

:yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

Some GREAT insults...

"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?'
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it."
- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
- - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please!" the man says.

The shop assistant climbs up the ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he would really like two loaves.

After she retrieves the second loaf of bread and descends the ladder, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells down at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little.”

:yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

[TABLE="class: m_5440693937211496148yiv0874772364MsoNormalTable, width: 394"]
[TR]
[TD="width: 526"] BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT















[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD="width: 526"]

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:​

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!​

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.​

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.​

​

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.​

​

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.​

​

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Susan.​

​

**** And the WINNER is... ****​

​

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. ​

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--BillyConnolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"​

[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

 

[SpyderConvert]

Two Nuns

There were two nuns.

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½minutes ?

I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL : The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute .

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.



And for those of you who thought it would be dirty....................

Say two Hail Mary’s!

and be logical and forward this email to your friends!

And the Moral of the Story is :

Logic beats math anytime!

And Math cannot survive without Logic.

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap:

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Just so you know, this one is a groaner:

Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

The woman says, "Just wait and see."

She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"

The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."

The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"

The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

:banghead:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[cuznjohn]

 

[vided]

 

[SpyderConvert]

Service!!!!

SERVICE!!!!

I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:

Banking 'Service'

Postal 'Service'

Telephone 'Service'

Pay TV 'Service'

State & Public 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

Government ‘Service’

Bureaucratic 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, and he hired a bull to 'Service' his cows.

Suddenly WOW!!!

It all came clear.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!

 

[SpyderConvert]

Good News/Bad News

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” the Lord said.
Adam looked at The Lord and said, “Well, give me the good news first.”
Smiling, The Lord explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.
The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now-intelligent life form and populate this planet.
Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.”
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?”
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, “You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time.”

 

[Bob Denman]

We call that "Prioritizing"...


And it's pretty clear which one is more important to us! :clap:

 

[Bob Denman]

This is one from CuznJohn... :bowdown: :clap:


A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown New York City, New York and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
The annual salary is $75,000, and you'll have to go to Bismark, North Dakota."
"Good grief, is that where the job is?"
"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now

 

[cuznjohn]

This is one from CuznJohn... :bowdown: :clap:


A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown New York City, New York and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
The annual salary is $75,000, and you'll have to go to Bismark, North Dakota."
"Good grief, is that where the job is?"
"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now

:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack: and the last 4 people are me

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: How'd you get out there so fast??? :dontknow:
I was gonna tell everyone that you had me post this, because you were on your way to Bismark! :roflblack: