Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Two blondes came into a bar, sat down, and ordered drinks.

They were making happy in a serious way and it was obvious tothe bartender that they were celebrating something big.

His curiosity finally got the better of him and he says " Ihate to be nosy, but it's obvious that you two are celebrating something big.What's the occasion"

One blonde replies "Well, we are just sooo proud ofourselves, because we just finished - just the two of us alone - a 50 piecejigsaw puzzle in only 3 days."

Confused, the bartender says "So?", to which the other blonde says "Well, on the box it says 3 - 5 years".

Jerry Baumchen

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink,and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news.

A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge,and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50.

The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're myfriend."

But the blonde insisted saying, "No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said, "Listen, I have to tell you that Isaw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I didn't think hewould jump again!"

Jerry Baumchen

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

This dufus looked at my beer belly last night and sarcasticallysaid, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd lookall right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there insteadof you."

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess whatday a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,"Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on atable. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

David decided to propose to Penny, but prior to her acceptance Penny felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.

She informed David that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.

However, David felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.

David looked Penny in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we are married.'

She said, 'Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky.'

Penny and David got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.

David whisked Penny off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another.

As Penny put her hands in David's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!

David ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'

'Yes, it is David said ... 6 pounds, 5 ounces, 14 inches long.

:yikes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Husband calls wife from hospital.

Wife: 'Hello?'

Husband: 'Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot.'

Wife: 'Who is Paula?'

And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married.

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

"'Yes, it is David said ... 6 pounds, 5 ounces, 14 inches long."

There's just TOO many things that I could type right now... :roflblack:
And Every Damn one fo them would get me in BEEG trubble! :gaah:

 

[Cruzr Joe]

"'Yes, it is David said ... 6 pounds, 5 ounces, 14 inches long."

There's just TOO many things that I could type right now... :roflblack:
And Every Damn one fo them would get me in BEEG trubble! :gaah:

Just call Paula, she will take you to the hospital


Cruzr Joe

 

[Bob Denman]

THAT... would sign my Death Warrant for certain! :yikes:

 

[Bob Denman]

I just took a
leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can
have sex at 73
I'm so happy, because I live at
number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home
afterwards.
And
it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have
to cross the road!

Answering machine
message,
"I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making
some changes in my life.
Please leave a message
after the beep.
If I do not return your
call,
you are one of the
changes."

My wife and I had
words, but I didn't get to use
mine.

Frustration is trying to
find your glasses without your
glasses.

Blessed are those who can
give without remembering
and take without
forgetting.

The irony of life is that,
by the time you're old
enough to know your way around,
you're not going
anywhere.

God made man before
woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer
for her first question.

I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps
getting harder to find one.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Aspire to inspire before
you expire.

 

[Bob Denman]

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call himOnestone..

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls meOnestone
again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do.
Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away for a long time.
Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

OH, come on... take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

Everyone knows..

You can't kill Two Birds withOneStone!!!

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Betty, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

:shocked:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

Love it!!

 

[Bob Denman]

These two ne-er do wells are hanging around on a street corner, when the ugly one says,
"Hey! Do you wanna see a real dumb kid? Watch this!"
He yells out to a younger kid; maybe eight years old....
"Hey kid; c'mere!"

As the youngster approaches, he pulls a dollar bill, and two quarters out of his pocket...
The bill is in his right hand; the change is in his left...
"Take one!", he says.
The kid looks at the money, and slowly reaches out and takes the two quarters, and goes skipping down the street.
"Told Ya", he sneers to the uglier one...

Later that day, the uglier one sees the kid coming out of an ice cream shop.
"Hey kid! Why'd you take the two quarters, and not the dollar bill? Don't you know anything?", he hollars over to the youngster
"I know enough, that as soon as I take the dollar; the game is over!", the kid yells back.

 

[PrairieSpyder]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says....................







Wait for it....










'Grandpa.......... Go home!












​

 

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack:
That reminds me of a joke...
A guy is sitting in s bar getting drunk; VERY drunk!
At closing time, they throw him out into the street, and when he awakens, he sees a num walking by...
He sneaks up behind her, kicks her in the back of the knees, grabs her by the head, and throws her out into the street... :shocked:
"Wassa matter Batman?", he slurs, "You ain't so tough at all!"

 

[mustangbob]

wedding

Attending a wedding for the first time a little girl whispered to her mother,
why is the bride wearing white?
mother replied 'because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest
day of her life.'
the child thought for a moment and then asked,
So why is the groom wearing black?

 

[Bob Denman]

I thought that she asked her Dad the same question...
His response:
"Kitchen appliances should be in white!"

 

[PrairieSpyder]

I thought that she asked her Dad the same question...
His response:
"Kitchen appliances should be in white!"

Bob, it's a good thing your wife already loves you!

 

[Cruzr Joe]

Bob, it's a good thing your wife already loves you!

And that she don't read this forum. :roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:

Cruzr Joe