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Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Bob Denman
New member
I find myself saying this; more and more!
:2thumbs:
:2thumbs:Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
Princeau99
New member
Princeau99
New member
Bob Denman
New member
:roflblack: Good ones!! :2thumbs:
And an even greater Avatar! :bowdown:
And an even greater Avatar! :bowdown:
Yeochief
New member
The top 10 Country Songs of all time:
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogshow 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long.
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogshow 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long.
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: I think that I might have sung a few of them over the years... :shocked: 
:clap:
:clap:
Bob Denman
New member
As the midget said;
"When we were nose to nose; my toes were in it.."
"When we were toes to toes; my nose was in it..."
"When we fianlly got everything where it was supposed to be; I had nobobdy to talk to!" :shocked:
"When we were nose to nose; my toes were in it.."
"When we were toes to toes; my nose was in it..."
"When we fianlly got everything where it was supposed to be; I had nobobdy to talk to!" :shocked:
pps:
draboo
New member
PrairieSpyder
New member
How do you get a guitarist off your porch? Pay for the pizza.
What's the difference between an oboe and an bassoon? The bassoon burns longer.
What's the difference between an oboe and an bassoon? The bassoon burns longer.
Bob Denman
New member
How does a Classically Trained Musician define "Perfect Pitch"?
That's when you throw the Bagpipes into the Town Dump; and they land on a Banjo!
That's when you throw the Bagpipes into the Town Dump; and they land on a Banjo!
draboo
New member
A farmer went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.
The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.
Next week, Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped.
The farmer looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbour's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"
"Wow," said Banker Bill, "what did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked Banker Bill.
"I don't know, but they kind of taste like peppermint."
The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.
Next week, Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped.
The farmer looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbour's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"
"Wow," said Banker Bill, "what did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked Banker Bill.
"I don't know, but they kind of taste like peppermint."
draboo
New member
One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he was lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rowed up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and a tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a Harley??
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he was lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rowed up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and a tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a Harley??
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: He needs to spend some more time on the Island... ALONE!
warp10
New member
:shocked: He needs to spend some more time on the Island... ALONE!
I think he will :roflblack:
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