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Missing - Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Bob Denman
New member
There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church,
a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue.
Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels.
After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined
to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The
deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels
drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively
how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's
creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist
Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the
squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on
Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, they took one squirrel and circumcised him.
They haven't seen a squirrel since.
a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue.
Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels.
After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined
to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The
deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels
drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively
how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's
creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist
Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the
squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on
Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, they took one squirrel and circumcised him.
They haven't seen a squirrel since.
Bob Denman
New member
...Of course, if they had been Southern Baptists: they'd have just made a big pot of stew, and invited the congregation to Dinner! :thumbup:
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
Check out the Polaris Reverse-Trike in THIS one! :thumbup:
Cruzr Joe
New member
Teacher asks her class "who is a fan of President O'b***
most of the children want to be liked by the teacher so they raise their hands ................. all except Johnny (yeah, you know him)
Teacher asks Johnny why he did not raise his hand, Johnny replies, because i am a Republican
Teacher asks why are you a Republican? Johnny replies My Mother and Father are Republicans so i am a Republican
The frustrated teacher asks what if your Mom was an Idiot and your father was a Moron, then what would you be? to which
Johnny promptly replied "A fan of President O'b***"
:yikes:
most of the children want to be liked by the teacher so they raise their hands ................. all except Johnny (yeah, you know him)
Teacher asks Johnny why he did not raise his hand, Johnny replies, because i am a Republican
Teacher asks why are you a Republican? Johnny replies My Mother and Father are Republicans so i am a Republican
The frustrated teacher asks what if your Mom was an Idiot and your father was a Moron, then what would you be? to which
Johnny promptly replied "A fan of President O'b***"
:yikes:
Last edited:
cuznjohn
New member
SENIOR SEX The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence." —
╔═════════════ ೋღ ღೋ ══════════════╗
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence." —
╔═════════════ ೋღ ღೋ ══════════════╗
Bfromla
Well-known member
Food for thought (diet food lol)
opcorn:opcorn:opcorn:
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.
I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it.
I said, "Left Tackle?”
I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
If life deals you lemons, Make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make a Bloody Mary
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Marriage changes passion, suddenly you're in bed with a relative
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven un-assembled.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?!
opcorn:opcorn:opcorn:The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.
I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it.
I said, "Left Tackle?”
I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
If life deals you lemons, Make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make a Bloody Mary
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Marriage changes passion, suddenly you're in bed with a relative
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven un-assembled.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?!
vided
New member
Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male....... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment)n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male.....,,. A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl)n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra;
you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?
He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said..... What have you been doing with all the
grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the
fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male....... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment)n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male.....,,. A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl)n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra;
you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?
He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said..... What have you been doing with all the
grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the
fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Bfromla
Well-known member
[COLOR=rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961)] Not an exception you are going back Nothing wrong with that. We know you'll miss the Cajun food, mud bugs & 11 1/2month riding season. You will enjoy lighter utility bills as you loose the humidity & find yourself acclimated to odd temp environments, not needing conditioning as much, just within tolerance. & you will enjoy outdoor events more for some reason[/COLOR]
Attachments
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
While I hope you all enjoy this one, maybe the pilots out there will really like it; you out there, Jack?
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower land-line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled:
"Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!"
He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're travelling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."
Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft: "The s*** in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."
:shocked:
Jerry Baumchen
While I hope you all enjoy this one, maybe the pilots out there will really like it; you out there, Jack?
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower land-line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled:
"Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!"
He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're travelling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."
Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft: "The s*** in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."
:shocked:
Jerry Baumchen
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: Well; it WAS an accurate assessment of the situation... :thumbup: :roflblack:
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
A mother was working in the kitchen and her son was playing in his room with a train. When his train was pulling to a stop, she heard him saying:
"All of you S*** O* B******'s who want to get off, get the h*** off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you S*** O* B******'s who are returning and want to get on, get your a**** on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"
The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are P***** O** about the TWO HOUR delay, see the b**** in the kitchen."
:shocked:
Jerry Baumchen
A mother was working in the kitchen and her son was playing in his room with a train. When his train was pulling to a stop, she heard him saying:
"All of you S*** O* B******'s who want to get off, get the h*** off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you S*** O* B******'s who are returning and want to get on, get your a**** on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"
The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are P***** O** about the TWO HOUR delay, see the b**** in the kitchen."
:shocked:
Jerry Baumchen
Bob Denman
New member
A man walks into a bar with his alligator and asks: "Do you serve lawyers here?".
The bartender says: "Yes, of course we do!"
The man says, "OK, I'll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for my alligator."
The bartender says: "Yes, of course we do!"
The man says, "OK, I'll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for my alligator."
Bob Denman
New member
mowin
New member
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