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Missing - Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
oldguyinTX
New member
TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY
PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER,
" WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"
THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL
COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."
"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED,
AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECKOUT.
THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER.
"WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO.
WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER, PULLED
OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE
BEER. HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID:
"THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."
PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER,
" WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"
THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL
COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."
"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED,
AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECKOUT.
THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER.
"WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO.
WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER, PULLED
OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE
BEER. HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID:
"THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."
cuznjohn
New member
off color
Whata CEO!
At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a
local hospital. While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the CEO of
the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. "What do you do with
the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage
company, and every once in a while they send us a free roll."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical
answer. But on he went in his obnoxious way, "What about all these plaster
purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a
patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realizing that the inspector was
trying to trap him with an unanswerable question."We save it and send it back to
the manufacturer, and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all CEO.
"Well, what do you do with all the remains from the
circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO.
"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office,
and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
Whata CEO!
At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a
local hospital. While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the CEO of
the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. "What do you do with
the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage
company, and every once in a while they send us a free roll."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical
answer. But on he went in his obnoxious way, "What about all these plaster
purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a
patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realizing that the inspector was
trying to trap him with an unanswerable question."We save it and send it back to
the manufacturer, and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all CEO.
"Well, what do you do with all the remains from the
circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO.
"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office,
and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
Bob Denman
New member
:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack: :clap: :2thumbs:
Bob Denman
New member
This actually happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day,
that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne
and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman
and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.
He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law,
he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with a bit of humour,
"No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions,
do you realize that this is a British car
and that my wife is driving . . . . . on the other side?"
A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day,
that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne
and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman
and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.
He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law,
he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with a bit of humour,
"No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions,
do you realize that this is a British car
and that my wife is driving . . . . . on the other side?"
Cruzr Joe
New member
Passed on to me from a very knowledgeable friend.
1947 & 1948
So THAT'S what happened!!
The year was 1947. Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little more than 66 years ago, numerous witnesses claim that an Unidentified Flying Object, (UFO), with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico .
This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered-up by the U.S. Air Force, as well as other Federal Agencies and Organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April, year 1948, nine months after the historic day, the following people were born:
· Barrack ***** Sr.
· Albert A. Gore, Jr.
· Hillary Rodham
· William J. Clinton
· John F. Kerry
· Howard Dean
· Nancy Pelosi
· Dianne Feinstein
· Charles E. Schumer
· Barbara Boxer
· Joe Biden
This is the obvious consequence of aliens breeding with sheep and jack-asses.
I truly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It certainly did for me.
And now you can stop wondering why they support the bill to help all Illegal Aliens.
1947 & 1948
So THAT'S what happened!!
The year was 1947. Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little more than 66 years ago, numerous witnesses claim that an Unidentified Flying Object, (UFO), with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico .
This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered-up by the U.S. Air Force, as well as other Federal Agencies and Organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April, year 1948, nine months after the historic day, the following people were born:
· Barrack ***** Sr.
· Albert A. Gore, Jr.
· Hillary Rodham
· William J. Clinton
· John F. Kerry
· Howard Dean
· Nancy Pelosi
· Dianne Feinstein
· Charles E. Schumer
· Barbara Boxer
· Joe Biden
This is the obvious consequence of aliens breeding with sheep and jack-asses.
I truly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It certainly did for me.
And now you can stop wondering why they support the bill to help all Illegal Aliens.
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: So THAT's what happened... :roflblack: :clap:
PrairieSpyder
New member
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for a consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.
The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: "1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say 1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
nojoke
Jerry Baumchen
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for a consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.
The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: "1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say 1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
nojoke
Jerry Baumchen
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: Did he answer: "I'll tell you NEXT Month..." :banghead:
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
mowin
New member
And that's without the "Ys" & "Ws".
:roflblack::roflblack::thumbup:
PrairieSpyder
New member
Bob Denman
New member
Attachments
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JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
A guy comes home completely drunk one night.
He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the H*** have you been all night?" she demands. "
At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - H***, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that whizzed in your saxophone last night!" :shocked:
Jerry Baumchen
A guy comes home completely drunk one night.
He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the H*** have you been all night?" she demands. "
At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - H***, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that whizzed in your saxophone last night!" :shocked:
Jerry Baumchen
Bob Denman
New member
The Navy intercepted a boatload of people off the coast of California today.
This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boat was not heading to, but away from the USA, towards Mexico.
Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with White Americans who were all seniors of Retirement / Social Security age.
Their claim was that they were trying to get to Mexico so as to be able to return to the USA as illegal immigrants.
And therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate American Citizens on Social Security.
:dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow:
This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boat was not heading to, but away from the USA, towards Mexico.
Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with White Americans who were all seniors of Retirement / Social Security age.
Their claim was that they were trying to get to Mexico so as to be able to return to the USA as illegal immigrants.
And therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate American Citizens on Social Security.
:dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow::dontknow:
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