Twas The Night...

[Bob Denman]

It's time to start dusting these off...

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the pad, There was nada happenin', now thats pretty bad. The woodstove was hung up in that stocking routine, In hopes that the Fat Boy would soon make the scene. With our stomachs packed with tacos and beer, My girl and I crashed on the couch for some cheer. When out in the yard there arose such a racket, I ran for the door and pulled on my jacket. I saw a large bro' on a '56 Pan Wearin' black leathers, a cap, and boots (cool biker, man). He hauled up the bars on that bikeful of sacks, And that Pan hit the roof like it was running on tracks. I couldn't help gawking, the old guy had class. But I had to go in -- I was freezing my ass. Down through the stovepipe he fell with a crash, And out of the stove he came dragging his stash. With a smile and some glee he passed out the loot, A new jacket for her and some parts for my scoot. He patted her fanny and shook my right hand, Spun on his heel and up the stovepipe he ran. From up on the roof came a great deal of thunder, As that massive V-twin ripped the silence asunder. With beard in the wind, he roared off in the night, Shouting, "Have a cool Yule, and to all a good ride!" Who else has alternate versions of this Classic?? :dontknow:

 

[TXrider]

From South Central

[h=1]Twas The Night Before Christmas (Texas Style)[/h]

'Twas the night before Christmas, in Texas, you know.
Way out on the prairie, without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
A dreamin' of Christmas, like me and you.

Not stockings, but boots, at the foot of their bed,
For this was Texas, what more need be said,
When all of a sudden, from out of the still night,
There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright.

And I saw 'cross the prairie, like a shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard, come on at a run,
The driver was "Geein" and "Hawin", with a will,
The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.

"Come on there Buck, Poncho, & Prince, to the right,
There'll be plenty of travelin' for you all tonight."
The driver in Levi's and a shirt that was red,
Had a ten-gallon Stetson on top of his head.

As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,
With his beard and moustache, so curly and white.
As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,
And were so astonished, that neither one spoke.

And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,
That neither could think of a single thing more.
When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper, "Are you really Santa Claus?"

"Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?"
And he smiled as he gave a mysterious wink.
Then he leaped in his buckboard, and called back in his drawl,
"To all the children in Texas, Merry Christmas, You-all"

 

[Chupaca]

Don't...

But they are fun to read and see the variations adapted to the areas...:clap::clap: keep them coming....:yes:

 

[ARtraveler]

Great variations so far...opcorn:opcorn:opcorn:

 

[Bob Denman]

Tis the month before Christmas, we're all going nuts;
With so much to do, there's no ifs, ands or buts.
Buy presents, hang tree lights, pop cards in the mail,
Send gift packs, thread popcorn, find turkeys on sale.Decorations need stringing up all through the house.
And you haven't a clue what to buy for your spouse.
School concerts, receptions, open houses with friends,
Long lineups, short tempers, tying up the loose ends.
With all our mad dashing, we're reeling from shock;
Let's stop for a minute and really take stock.
It's crassly commercial, the cynical say;
If that's true, that our fault-it's us and not they.
Take time for yourself-though hard as that seems—
Enjoy your kids' laughter, excitement and dreams.
Take a moment out now, don't get overly riled,
Instead make an angel in snow with your child.
The shortbread can wait, and so can the tree;
What's important to feel is a child's sense of glee.
The holidays aren't about push, rush and shove;
They're for friendship and sharing and family love.
Hear the bells, feel the warmth, light up with the glow
Of a message first sent to us so long ago:
Peace, love and goodwill, and hope burning bright.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

 

[Cruzr Joe]

Keep them coming

 

[Bob Denman]

Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools
to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied
and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage
"Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot!
And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat—
let no parts be missing
or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not run to the store for one single thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
there's something to say for those self-deluded—
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

 

[Spyder_Cowgirl]

Yet Another

For the programmers among us -- in particular Roger (I think you will like this).

'Twas the Night Before Crisis

'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
Not a program was working, not even a browse.

The programmers were wrung out, too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.

The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.

When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
That I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.

More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!

His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights in front of a screen.

A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
on gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but wen straight to his work,
Turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk,

An laying his finger on the ENTER key,
The system came up, and worked perfectly.

The updates, updated; the deletes, they deleted;
The inquiries, inquired; and the closing completed.

He tested each whistle, he tested each bell,
With nary and abend, and all had gone well.

The system was finished, the tests were concluded,
The client's last changes were even included!

And the client exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but it's not what I want."

The above is from an anonymous source; posted to the VM HUMOR FOUM in December 1984. When the "modern" forums took over and the mainframe versions were shut down, my husband obtained a copy of the entire contents of this one. Not sure I still have the soft copy, but I printed it many years ago and still have that. Amazing what one holds onto from a 32 year career .... Enjoy .... Ann

 

[PrairieSpyder]

And the client exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but it's not what I want."

I remember that from my last career as an analyst! :cus:

 

[Bob Denman]

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.​

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House,and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.
Respectfully Submitted, s./ The Grinch, Esq.

 

[Spyder_Cowgirl]

Wrong

:lecturef_smilie::wrong: Who asked for the lawyer, Bob?

 

[Bob Denman]

It was either that... Or the drunken sex one! pps:

 

[Bfromla]

Heres one from last yr:

Spyder song
Dashing through the snow in an open 1330 sleigh, over the hills we go laughing all the way.
Air wings and floorboards adjusted so, feeling all so smug, can’t wait to see Alaska sitting on my sheepskin rug.
Farkles are paid for and in the stocking with care in hopes that BRP tires do not need a spare.
On Karyl, on Ann, on Joe, let’s be gone on our bikes, should we see a bears on the way do not fright.



Nxt song
The following is set to the Adams Family theme song.

Oh They're creaky and they're kooky,
But not remotely spooky,
They're all together loopy,
Ryding with My Spyder Family.

Their Spyders you must see’em,
There for ryding not a museum,
In the twisties they’re a dream,
Ryding with My Spyder Family.

(Fleet)
(Sweet)
(Offbeat)

So put some ryding gear on,
Grab a spyder you can wail on,
We're gonna pay a call on,
Some twisty turny wind therapy .

Nxt song
On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, Santa gave to me:
12 Eager Friends
11 More Days Vacation
10 New Planned Trips
9 Bike Projects
8 Months of Riding
7 SpyderFests
6 Sunny Days (Each Week...)
5 Ambass-a-dors...
4 Shiny Farkles
3 Turning Wheels
2 More Years of Warranty
And a Brand New Spyder rider

 

[Bob Denman]

We've got one coming about Spyders; just waiting for the right time... :thumbup:

 

[Bob Denman]

Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!
Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
Don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.
"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"
Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"


Hey Cuzn!
Do you know Dees Guyz?? :dontknow:

 

[d.o.spyder-rts]

It was either that... Or the drunken sex one! pps:

OK Bob, I'm sure you got more than one of us wanting to know about the drunken sex one. Dale

 

[lou49]

You guys need to spend more time riding!:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:!

 

[Bob Denman]

OK Bob, I'm sure you got more than one of us wanting to know about the drunken sex one. Dale

I've posted an even BETTER one in "General Discussion" :thumbup:


...And I won't get banned for it!


WELL....
Don't tell anybody where you saw this!

http://www.dirtyxmas.com/