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[Barlock]

The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble
with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a strange
language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And
neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in
England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take
English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand
takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither
from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't
fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth
be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher
praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a
humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a
recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel
at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns
down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is
only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not
computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of
course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they
are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is
that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this
observation,
It ends.

 

[Charles Faw]

English is a strange
language.

:2thumbs::2thumbs::agree:
And don't EVEN get me started on our units of measurement!

 

[Chupaca]

Wow..!!

and you both only scatched the surface...!! :roflblack::roflblack: try the spelling of words meaning different things....

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: I'm gong back to bed...

 

[Some Guy]

And more...

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer moved out of the sewer because it is so hard to sew there.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 

[Barlock]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am”.

The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees West longitude”.

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip”.

The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

 

[Barlock]

Some things that puzzle me:

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why “phonics” is not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If the entire world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
29. "If our stupidity is left untreated, will it be self-correcting?"
30. Speaking about Pro’s and Con’s. If “Con” is opposite of “Pro”, then shouldn’t Congress to be an opposite of a Progress?

 

[Bob Denman]

Now, my head REALLY hurts... :shocked:

 

[jerpinoy]

I enjoyed what you guys posted and thank you. Here what I can share.......

"Tell me where you've been and I will tell you who you are" Does anybody knows whose quote?

 

[Barlock]

Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?
A: B. (bee)

Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)

Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)

Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)

Q: What letter is a pronoun like "you"?
A: The letter " I "

Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)

Q: What letter is an exclamation?
A: O. (oh!)

Q: What letter is a European bird?
A: J. (Jay)

Q: What letter is looking for causes ?
A: Y. (why)

Q: What four letters frighten a thief?
A: O.I.C.U. (Oh I see you!)

Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years?
A: The letter "m".

Q: Why is the letter "T" like an island ?
A: Because it is in the middle of waTer.

Q: In what way can the letter "A" help a deaf lady?
A: It can make "her" "hear".

Q: Which is the loudest vowel?
A: The letter "I". It is always in the midst of noise.

Q: What way are the letter "A" and "noon" alike?
A: Both of them are in the middle of the "day".

Q: Why is "U" the happiest letter?
A: Because it is in the middle of "fun".

Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?
A: Alphabet = (26 letters)

Q: What relatives are dependent on "you"?
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need "U".

Q: What is the end of everything?
A: The letter "g".

 

[Barlock]

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

* * * * * * * * *
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.

* * * * * * * * *
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

* * * * * * * * *
Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?

* * * * * * * * *
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

* * * * * * * * *
"You look very funny wearing that belt."
"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it."

* * * * * * * * *
A: What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
B: How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?

* * * * * * * * *

 

[Barlock]

Punctuation

Here are some sentences in which proper punctuation is vital:

A woman, without her man, is nothing.
A woman: without her, man is nothing.

Let’s eat, Grandma.
Let’s eat Grandma!

Private. No visitors allowed.
Private? No! Visitors allowed.

Some people enjoy cooking, their families, and their dogs.
Some people enjoy cooking their families and their dogs.

Spelling jokes:
What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add 2 letters to it?
Shorter.

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: