Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him
pulled out her cell phone.

She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Carol. I'm
on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four
thirty, but I had a long meeting.

No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with
the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm
sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man
sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the
phone, "Carol, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Carol doesn't use her cell phone in public any more......

 

[Bfromla]

Well with Halloween around the corner, heres a fear question for you to ponder.
: Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies,
& Children.
All have what in common?











Answer:
THEY ALL BITE!

You have been warned


I wasn't there but I still care! POW /MIA VETS

 

[cuznjohn]

[FONT=&quot]A young blonde secretary was describing her blind date to a friend. [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]"After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that." [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]"That was smart," her friend said, approvingly. [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]"Then what happened?" [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]"He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said. [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]"You didn't weaken your resolve, did you?" asked the friend. [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]"Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let his mother worry."[/FONT]​

 

[Bob Denman]

That's one good thing about messing-up someone else's bed: yours doesn't need re-making! :thumbup: :yes:

 

[Bob Denman]

But how much do you have to lead them??? :dontknow:

 

[PW2013STL]

HOW TO GIVE MORE THEN 100%

This comes from two math teachers with a combined total of 70 years experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. Its the Bull**** and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.




Now you know why Politicians are where they are!




I’ve never seen a better explanation than this formula…………..
how true it is.

​

​

​

 

[mowin]

Hillbilly Mirror


After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old
hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the
stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one
before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that!
Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife,
Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn and every
morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day
after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly ????? he's
runnin' around with."

 

[Cruzr Joe]

While on a recent trip my wife and i stopped at a McDonalds in Clinton Arkansas for breakfast, an elderly couple pulled up in front and i noticed the lic Plate on their car read, "MTNBLY", i thought for awhile and figured out it stood for Mountain Billy, after the elderly copule sat down i approached the man and jokingly asked what the difference was between a MountainBill and a HillBilly was, without missing a beat the older gentleman stated "A MountainBilly is one step above a HillBilly. I laughed and thanked him for making me smile.


Cruzr Joe

 

[Bob Denman]

So if I understand your story correctly:


The one that turns out to be a MountainBilly; is the one on the left? :dontknow:

 

[Cruzr Joe]

So if I understand your story correctly:

View attachment 139131
The one that turns out to be a MountainBilly; is the one on the left? :dontknow:

Kinda Sorta

Cruzr Joe

 

[Bob Denman]

A man walks into a bar in the outback, notices a very large jar on the
counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He
guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He
approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the
money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are
the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10
which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or
less, and you can't make a face while doing it."


"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You
have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."


"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You
have to take care of that problem."


The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I
won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and
then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says,
"Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he
drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained
to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling,
screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight –then, nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers
back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding
from bites and gashes all over his body.

He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

And speaking of knees...

 

[cuznjohn]

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

:yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

That just means that we get to keep Dolly down here for a bit longer! :2thumbs:

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[JerryB]

Hi Bob,


Re: View attachment 139327

Saturday I went in to get a haircut. Asked the barber for the latest copy of PLAYBOY as he keeps them in a drawer. I found that there was not one joke in the entire issue.

Things do change; sometimes not for the better.

Jerry Baumchen

PS) For us old folks, that cartoon is from a very old PLAYBOY magazine.

 

[Peter Aawen]

Dammit Jerry, why'd you hafta tell us that?? :gaah:

The only reason I ever got PLAYBOY mag's was for the jokes (& maybe an occasional article too)!! :shocked: pps:

 

[Bob Denman]

...PS) For us old folks, that cartoon is from a very old PLAYBOY magazine.

Speaking of "Very Old Playboys"...