Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

"Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman..."
I remember several of them from when I was serving my Collegiate Sentence in New Jersey! :roflblack:

 

[mowin]

"Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman..."
I remember several of them from when I was serving my Collegiate Sentence in New Jersey! :roflblack:

I can relate to the last one as I own a lawn care business.
I had a newly relocated city lady/client ask me why someone would have there sod sent out tp be cleaned when she noticed a truck full of sod pulling into the neighbors lot. She then asked me why do I need to mow the lawn every week? Does it grow? I thought you picked the height you liked and it stayed like that.

She's been a client for 8 yrs. And she often says how embarrassing it is to think about when she first moved into the area and how clueless she was about what a lawn does. Yep, those are her words. Lol

 

[JerryB]

Hi mowin,

Re: Yep, those are her words.

Another true story. One of the other engineers at work had noticed that his neighbor had torn out his driveway and formed it up for new concrete.

One morning the engineer from work is walking to his car & noticed a concrete truck next door & only the wife was there. So he walked over and asked her where the other people were who would be helping with the pour. She said that her husband and told her to just tell the concrete guys to pour it near the driveway and he would spread it when he got home from work.

Listen folks: There are somethings that you need to leave to the professionals.

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

It might have been cheaper than installing a security gate... :roflblack:

 

[mowin]

Hi mowin,

Re: Yep, those are her words.

Another true story. One of the other engineers at work had noticed that his neighbor had torn out his driveway and formed it up for new concrete.

One morning the engineer from work is walking to his car & noticed a concrete truck next door & only the wife was there. So he walked over and asked her where the other people were who would be helping with the pour. She said that her husband and told her to just tell the concrete guys to pour it near the driveway and he would spread it when he got home from work.

Listen folks: There are somethings that you need to leave to the professionals.

Jerry Baumchen

If I was that driver, I would have had a hard time not dumping that load. My inner voices would have been in a epic battle. :roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

I think that they call that being "stuck on the horns of a moral dilemma...". :dontknow:

 

[mowin]

I think that they call that being "stuck on the horns of a moral dilemma...". :dontknow:

Yep. And depending on how old I would have been at the time, would dictate which inner voice one. :shocked:

Early 20's to late 20's, one immovable pile of concrete.
:roflblack::roflblack:

 

[vided]

 

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:

https://youtu.be/SIaFtAKnqBU

 

[vided]

 

[BigGuy66]

At the Retirement Home

The administrator of the local retirement complex was addressing several new folks, single men and women, who were moving in soon. The apartment buildings had a men's wing and a women's wing. The administrator told them, "Men are not to be in the women's wing and women are not to be in the men's wing. The first time one of you is caught in the other's wing, there will be a fifty dollar fine. The second time someone is caught in the opposite wing you will have a one hundred dollar fine. Any questions?" One enterprising chap asked, "How much is a season pass?"

 

[Bob Denman]

Two Trees and a Woodpecker

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the
sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that
is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
little piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'

Now wipe that smile off your face. And pass it on.

 

[cuznjohn]

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy
on a recommendation I decided to have it done while visiting friends
in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle
and accommodating.








As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.





"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.


,


"I haven't got an erection," I replied

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.





Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco ......................

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[vided]

 

[Bfromla]

Here ya go

I wasn't there but I still care! POW /MIA VETS

 

[Tanshanomi]

Another true story....

While we're sharing true stories, I've got one, and I swear this really happened:

Back around 1990 or 1991, I was working in a motorcycle dealership in St. Louis. A fellow employee came into work one morning and announced he was mad as hell. The rest of us asked why. "I just heard on the radio that a guy from Rhode Island won Lotto America!" he said.

We all just kind of shrugged. "Yeah, so?"

"Doesn't that make you upset?" he asked. "It's Lotto AMERICA, dammit! That money should go to an American, not somebody off on some island somewhere!"

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: I'll bet that he thought this guy won it...

 

[PrairieSpyder]

While we're sharing true stories, I've got one, and I swear this really happened:

Back around 1990 or 1991, I was working in a motorcycle dealership in St. Louis. A fellow employee came into work one morning and announced he was mad as hell. The rest of us asked why. "I just heard on the radio that a guy from Rhode Island won Lotto America!" he said.

We all just kind of shrugged. "Yeah, so?"

"Doesn't that make you upset?" he asked. "It's Lotto AMERICA, dammit! That money should go to an American, not somebody off on some island somewhere!"

I lived in the Atlanta area at the time of the 1996 Summer Olympics there. Some "customer service" person where Americans called in to buy event tickets refused to sell to a caller from New Mexico, because she thought it was not in the USA!

 

[Tanshanomi]

:shocked: I'll bet that he thought this guy won it...

View attachment 138789

I am sure Terry would've had no idea where (or what) Rhodes is. He was a darn clever engine builder, but he was the stereotypical uncultured Ozark hillbilly who saw little value in fancy schoolin'. He once said that Paris was "the capital country of Europe."