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Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
IdahoMtnSpyder
Well-known member
Get off your butt and fix the gutter! (Not suitable for sensitive women!)
Today, My wife said to me,
"Honey, get off your butt and fix that gutter downspout!
And, I want it done before the end of the day!"
Well, as you all know, at my age, and most of my friends, are retired and do have the time to address such "Honey do's"….
So, I invited some of my buddies over to help with the project.
One is a sheet metal worker.
One is an Iron Worker so he came with his welder.
One brought beer and Nachos.
One brought a grill and burgers.
Took us about 6 hours, and 30-40 beers, but we got it done just as we finished off the last of the beer and burgers.
As usual, the wife is still not happy !!
Can't understand, cause all us guys love it!
Personally, I cannot wait for it to rain.
Today, My wife said to me,
"Honey, get off your butt and fix that gutter downspout!
And, I want it done before the end of the day!"
Well, as you all know, at my age, and most of my friends, are retired and do have the time to address such "Honey do's"….
So, I invited some of my buddies over to help with the project.
One is a sheet metal worker.
One is an Iron Worker so he came with his welder.
One brought beer and Nachos.
One brought a grill and burgers.
Took us about 6 hours, and 30-40 beers, but we got it done just as we finished off the last of the beer and burgers.
As usual, the wife is still not happy !!
Can't understand, cause all us guys love it!
Personally, I cannot wait for it to rain.
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: You've flooded the lawn... :banghead:
:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:
:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:
cuznjohn
New member
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough,” more or less, adopted her as a project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real work crew building the new house next door to us.”
“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week too?”
The little girl replied, “I will if those *******s at Home Depot ever deliver the f**king sheet rock…”
Kind of brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it?
It’s important to consider the impact of your actions on others, especially children. While it’s easy to forget, children are very impressionable
The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough,” more or less, adopted her as a project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real work crew building the new house next door to us.”
“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week too?”
The little girl replied, “I will if those *******s at Home Depot ever deliver the f**king sheet rock…”
Kind of brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it?
It’s important to consider the impact of your actions on others, especially children. While it’s easy to forget, children are very impressionable
vided
New member
According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently
faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put
it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral
skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to
the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the
girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night
(you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror
There are teachers - and then there are educators!
Don't mess with a nun - they are wicked smart!!
faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put
it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral
skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to
the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the
girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night
(you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror
There are teachers - and then there are educators!
Don't mess with a nun - they are wicked smart!!
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
I smell an opportunity here... 
If he can mow a couple of lawns during your commute; have him split the money with you, and reduce the cost of the ride! :thumbup:
If he can mow a couple of lawns during your commute; have him split the money with you, and reduce the cost of the ride! :thumbup:
Bob Denman
New member
Last edited:
Bob Denman
New member
I know that this one is mean-spirited, Political, underhanded, and just plain rotten... 
pps:But did you hear that Hillary Clinton got a HUGE endorsement from a major Pizza Chain?
That's right: "Little Seizures" is backing her...
:shocked: Sorry... I heard it, and thought that it was cute... :dontknow:
https://youtu.be/vXlST7il84I
Last edited:
mowin
New member
But did you hear that Hillary Clinton got a HUGE endorsement from a major Pizza Chain?
That's right: "Little Seizures" is backing her...
:shocked: Sorry... I heard it, and thought that it was cute... :dontknow:
https://youtu.be/vXlST7il84I
I figured you toss that one into the mix.. :thumbup:
Bet she orders a Seizure salad..
oldguyinTX
New member
OK, a previous run of jokes attributed to Phylis Diller made me think of an interview I head with her about 25 years ago. When she was asked "what is your best psychical attribute", she responded "my breasts, but I have to wear open toe shoes to show them off". Still makes me laugh!!
Bfromla
Well-known member
Its not a DUI if you pay with beer,is it??
I wasn't there but I still care! POW /MIA VETS
Bob Denman
New member
Once again: Giving credit where it's due...
Thanks, Rob! It brightened my day when you sent it to me! :clap:
cuznjohn
New member
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4-year-old daughter.
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
mowin
New member
Think of all the free french fries.. :roflblack:
vided
New member
Degrees of blond
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said
'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting
to know if the coast is clear.'
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,
'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says,
'You dummy, it's me!'
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when
she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun and,
as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy ... it's W.'
FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when
he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman,
sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew
what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said,
'That was the decision George Washington
had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked
to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported
the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call
on the radio and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby,
was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his
dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,
then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman!'
OKAY, FORWARD THIS TO ANYONE ELSE YOU
MIGHT THINK NEEDS A LAUGH TODAY.
EVEN IF YOU ARE BLONDE YOU HAVE TO LOVE THIS:
Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when
a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery,"
announced #1 Blonde.
"Do what?" asked #2 Blonde.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said
'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting
to know if the coast is clear.'
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,
'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says,
'You dummy, it's me!'
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when
she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun and,
as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy ... it's W.'
FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when
he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman,
sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew
what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said,
'That was the decision George Washington
had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked
to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported
the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call
on the radio and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby,
was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his
dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,
then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman!'
OKAY, FORWARD THIS TO ANYONE ELSE YOU
MIGHT THINK NEEDS A LAUGH TODAY.
EVEN IF YOU ARE BLONDE YOU HAVE TO LOVE THIS:
Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when
a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery,"
announced #1 Blonde.
"Do what?" asked #2 Blonde.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."
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