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Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Black Pig
Member
I told myself I should stop drinking...
But I’m not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.
..................
One of the boys in my English class has bought a Harry Potter replica wand.
I find this ironic, as he's dyslexic, and therefore can't spell.
..................
Whoever said 'white men can't jump' obviously hasn't seen me get walked in on having a w4nk.
..................
I was tucking into some sausages yesterday when I saw my wife sucking her portion seductively.
"Would you like me to do this to yours?" she asked, playing with her hair.
"Sure," I replied, handing over my plate. "You've put me off it anyway."
.................
I got refused for a job the other day
Apparently putting "gang bang" on your application form is not proof of teamwork..
..................
I was almost late for my Cocaine Awareness Lecture.
Talk about cutting it fine.
..................
"Wow, this is interesting, love." I said to the wife, as I scanned the page on the screen. "It says here that less than a dozen giant squid have ever been spotted alive, yet it's believed there are more than half a million of them living in our deepest oceans."
"What the feck are you telling me this for?" She asked. "You're supposed to be looking for cool designs for a tattoo on my bumcheek."
"I am." I assured her. "But I had to check there'd be enough ink first."
..................
Chinese takeaway - £27.50
Petrol to get there - £3.25
Getting home then realising they didn't give you one of the containers - riceless...
..................
Daniel Radcliffe has revealed that he was 'Dependent on Alcohol' to make it through the final Harry Potter films.
That makes two of us.
..................
I was watching the racing on Channel 4 earlier. "And Number 7 has fallen quite badly at the last hurdle! It looks like he's maybe broken a leg. They're assessing him right now... oh, and what a shame, they've had to shoot him." They don't muck about in North Korean athletics.
..................
What do you call a fat Chinese prostitute?
Chun Ki Ho.
..................
What do you call a hungry homeless Muslim?
Bin Diver
But I’m not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.
..................
One of the boys in my English class has bought a Harry Potter replica wand.
I find this ironic, as he's dyslexic, and therefore can't spell.
..................
Whoever said 'white men can't jump' obviously hasn't seen me get walked in on having a w4nk.
..................
I was tucking into some sausages yesterday when I saw my wife sucking her portion seductively.
"Would you like me to do this to yours?" she asked, playing with her hair.
"Sure," I replied, handing over my plate. "You've put me off it anyway."
.................
I got refused for a job the other day
Apparently putting "gang bang" on your application form is not proof of teamwork..
..................
I was almost late for my Cocaine Awareness Lecture.
Talk about cutting it fine.
..................
"Wow, this is interesting, love." I said to the wife, as I scanned the page on the screen. "It says here that less than a dozen giant squid have ever been spotted alive, yet it's believed there are more than half a million of them living in our deepest oceans."
"What the feck are you telling me this for?" She asked. "You're supposed to be looking for cool designs for a tattoo on my bumcheek."
"I am." I assured her. "But I had to check there'd be enough ink first."
..................
Chinese takeaway - £27.50
Petrol to get there - £3.25
Getting home then realising they didn't give you one of the containers - riceless...
..................
Daniel Radcliffe has revealed that he was 'Dependent on Alcohol' to make it through the final Harry Potter films.
That makes two of us.
..................
I was watching the racing on Channel 4 earlier. "And Number 7 has fallen quite badly at the last hurdle! It looks like he's maybe broken a leg. They're assessing him right now... oh, and what a shame, they've had to shoot him." They don't muck about in North Korean athletics.
..................
What do you call a fat Chinese prostitute?
Chun Ki Ho.
..................
What do you call a hungry homeless Muslim?
Bin Diver
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
Hey Jerry!! :shocked:
I hope that you didn't know this guy! :yikes:
I hope that you didn't know this guy! :yikes:
Bob Denman
New member
PrairieSpyder
New member
Late one night at closing time, two British sailors stumbled out of a bar and right into a real thick fog. As they staggered around trying to find their way, a naval officer emerged from the fog. One of the sailors slurred, "Where are we?"
The officer sneered at them; "Do you know who I am?"
The other sailor said, "Now we're really in trouble. We don't know where we are and this bloke doesn't even know who he is!!"
-------------------------------------------------
Mohammed Ali was on a cross-country flight when it started encountering moderate turbulence. The captain announce that everyone should take their seats and put on their seat-belts. As the flight attendant went down the aisle checking on everyone, she notice that "The Greatest" had not put on his seat-belt. She said, We're encountering turbulence, sir. You should put on your seat-belt."
"Superman don't need no seat-belt."
"Superman don't need no airplane, either."
The officer sneered at them; "Do you know who I am?"
The other sailor said, "Now we're really in trouble. We don't know where we are and this bloke doesn't even know who he is!!"
-------------------------------------------------
Mohammed Ali was on a cross-country flight when it started encountering moderate turbulence. The captain announce that everyone should take their seats and put on their seat-belts. As the flight attendant went down the aisle checking on everyone, she notice that "The Greatest" had not put on his seat-belt. She said, We're encountering turbulence, sir. You should put on your seat-belt."
"Superman don't need no seat-belt."
"Superman don't need no airplane, either."
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True story
You might think this is a joke, but about a year ago at my Church we had a guest speaker that (according to him) was sitting across from Mohamed Ali when he said this.
You might think this is a joke, but about a year ago at my Church we had a guest speaker that (according to him) was sitting across from Mohamed Ali when he said this.
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
And it serves him right... :clap:
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
:lecturef_smilie: Don't forget to take your boots off, before coming in the house...
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: Is it really this bad?? :dontknow:
Bob Denman
New member
nojoke Wine always works! :clap: :2thumbs:
SpyderConvert
Member
Little Timmy's Question
Little Timmy and his parents went to the circus. When the elephants came out into the ring, Timmy turned to his mom and asked, "What's that hanging down from that elephant?
"His mom said, "That's the elephant's trunk."
Timmy said, "No, not that. Back underneath the elephant."
His mom, embarrassed, said. "That's nothing."
Timmy isn't satisfied with her response, and turns to his father, "Dad, what's that hanging down underneath that elephant?"
Dad says, "That's the elephant's penis."
"Mom said it was nothing."
"I know, son. I've really spoiled that woman."
Little Timmy and his parents went to the circus. When the elephants came out into the ring, Timmy turned to his mom and asked, "What's that hanging down from that elephant?
"His mom said, "That's the elephant's trunk."
Timmy said, "No, not that. Back underneath the elephant."
His mom, embarrassed, said. "That's nothing."
Timmy isn't satisfied with her response, and turns to his father, "Dad, what's that hanging down underneath that elephant?"
Dad says, "That's the elephant's penis."
"Mom said it was nothing."
"I know, son. I've really spoiled that woman."
SpyderConvert
Member
The Ex-wife
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the
garage, just for fun.
His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke.................
"Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time
you quit spending all your time out here in the shop.
You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your
gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley.”
Tom got a horrified look on his face.
She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Tom replied: “I wasn't."
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the
garage, just for fun.
His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke.................
"Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time
you quit spending all your time out here in the shop.
You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your
gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley.”
Tom got a horrified look on his face.
She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Tom replied: “I wasn't."
SpyderConvert
Member
It's Not My Fault That You Didn't Use Them!
A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost 24 hours on the road, they're felt too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room, but they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost 24 hours on the road, they're felt too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room, but they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
SpyderConvert
Member
Guilty --- sort of
A well respected doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it.
You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."
A well respected doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it.
You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."
Spent a week in Iowa before...YES.
PS. I did enjoy the time there. Daily Queen is the best
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