Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.

While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

An undertaker told them, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.”

The man thought about it for a while and then told him, “I see. Well, you’d better ship her home then.”

The undertaker asked, “Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and only spend $150?”

The man said, “A man died 2,000 years ago. He was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!”

:yikes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: I'm sending this one to all of my friends... PRICELESS! :2thumbs:

 

[Bob Denman]

One night at Cheers, a TV Sitcom,Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this ... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.

But, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.


That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers".

:cheers:

 

[Bob Denman]

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And...
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE amazing fact is, the higher you go in the corporate structure,
the smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles :dontknow:

 

[mowin]

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And...
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE amazing fact is, the higher you go in the corporate structure,
the smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles :dontknow:

Most of em don't have any ba.... Um, marbles... But there's definitely a lot more hope now...

 

[ofdave]

 

[Bob Denman]

View attachment 152336

Is he running a "Puplishing" Company? :roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

I guess that if you're choosing a side: this should be carefully considered!

 

[JerryB]

Hi Bob,

Re: this should be carefully considered!

The pen is still mightier than the sword.

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

It might be... :thumbup:

But you'd still be like the fellow that brings a sharp knife: to a gunfight! :shocked:

 

[vided]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come
over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure
out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the
box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............




"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
​

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Blue Star]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come
over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure
out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the
box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............




"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
​

Sounds like something my 80 year-old Mother-in-Law would do.

 

[JerryWA]

I just don't get people sometimes.
I complimented a friend on their mustache,
and now she won't even talk to me!

 

[ofdave]

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Old Lady: I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Old Lady: He began to rub all over my body.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him, 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bugger.'

:banghead:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

That's just mean. nojoke
Her act is clearly justified: case dismissed!

 

[vided]

Might be an encore post

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.s

He put a sign up outside that said Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500.



If not cured, get back $1,000.

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"


Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."


Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"


Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."


Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."


Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"


Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000)leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"


Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)


Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"


Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

Remember: Don't make old farts mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to pis@ us off.
















​

​

​

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

OK, this a groaner; you are warned.

What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One weighs about 2,000 lbs.

The other is a little lighter.

Hey, I warned you.

Jerry Baumchen

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A guy walks into a...no wait, he was already there. ..

Anyway, he's talking to his friend and he says, "I slept with my wife before we were married. Did you do that too?"

His friend says, "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"

:shocked:

Jerry Baumchen