Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack:
You've been in touch with Cuzn…

And you beat to the thread! :bowdown: :thumbup:

 

[vided]

 

[vided]

A New Zealander walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...


"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."


The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."


The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize
I was talking to the sheep."

 

[Bob Denman]

[TABLE="class: Bs nH iY bAt"]
[TR]
[TD="class: Bu bAn"]Knowing how to say things is an art!


I gave a friend a phone call, and I asked him what he was doing.

He replied that he was working on:
"The aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, glass, aluminum and steel in a controlled environment".

I was very impressed .... !!!

And, to understand better, I asked him for clarification and he told me that in fact
"He washed the dishes in hot water ... under the supervision of his wife."

What a beautiful language!

















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[Bob Denman]

[TABLE="class: Bs nH iY bAt"]
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[TABLE="class: cf gJ"]
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[TD="colspan: 3"][TABLE="class: cf adz"]
[TR]
[TD="class: ady"]

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A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.


A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.
She didn't say a thing... just paid the bill !!!!!!
















[/TD]
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[vided]

 

[SpyderConvert]

Signs

Anesthesiologist business card:
When you care enough to sleep with the very best.
********************************************
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On another Septic Tank Truck:
Caution - This Truck is Full of Political Promises
**************************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed"
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip.
Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout.."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg..
We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke,
we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff"
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome!
Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -
miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary.
We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes.
Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted
if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't,
you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry,
Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak"

 

[Bob Denman]

Another one on the side of a septic tank ruck:
"Your crap is our Bread & Butter!"

 

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

Slogan for a party equipment rental company in Rock Island, IL.
"Madam, are you having an affair?"

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[vided]

 

[SpyderConvert]

Doctor Visit

During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level.
The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees.
I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.

Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"

"No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really, really horrible golfer".

 

[SpyderConvert]

What A Surprise

 

[Bob Denman]