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Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
draboo
New member
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."
Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says :
"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad."
"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. THIS little bastard's name is Kevin."
Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says :
"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad."
"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. THIS little bastard's name is Kevin."
Bob Denman
New member
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting
laid
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
(This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.
12. Decafalon
: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting
laid
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
(This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.
12. Decafalon
: The grueling event of getting through the day consumingonly things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.
Bob Denman
New member
WHAT do they do???
:shocked:
:shocked:
spydaman60
New member
i knew there was a reason i don't like kohls!! ouch!!
Bob Denman
New member
You would think that there'd be a rule somewhere, about this sort of thing! :gaah:
bullant12
New member
This actually was sent to me from one of my users... needless to say, I'm not sure if it relates to me because I am not 11 (physically).
As we Silver surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old
next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked
him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved
the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So,
what was wrong?'
He replied, 'It was an ID tenT error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An ID tenT error? what's that? In. case I need to fix it
again.'
Eric grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: ID10T
I used to like Eric,the little bastard.
As we Silver surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old
next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked
him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved
the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So,
what was wrong?'
He replied, 'It was an ID tenT error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An ID tenT error? what's that? In. case I need to fix it
again.'
Eric grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: ID10T
I used to like Eric,the little bastard.
Indyron
New member
Talking dog
An elderly man just lost his wife and was rather lonely so he thought a dog might be a good companion.
He saw an ad in the local newspaper for a "talking" dog, $10.
He called the owner and set up an appointment. On arrival the owner told the man the dog was out back, go ahead and talk to him.
"What's up, how's it going?" said the man. "Great said the dog!"
"Why is your owner selling you?" asked the man?
"Well, I guess I've served my purpose. I was a spy for the CIA. I could walk into secret meetings and report back. I did this for many years. I single handedly prevented many wars and saved numerous lives. They fed me steak, I stayed in the finest hotels, and always travelled first class. The cold war is over now I can't walk very good. So he's selling me."
The man returned to the owner and said he'd take the dog. But first asked, "Why are you selling this famous dog for only $10?'
The owner replied, "He didn't do any of that sh*t!"
An elderly man just lost his wife and was rather lonely so he thought a dog might be a good companion.
He saw an ad in the local newspaper for a "talking" dog, $10.
He called the owner and set up an appointment. On arrival the owner told the man the dog was out back, go ahead and talk to him.
"What's up, how's it going?" said the man. "Great said the dog!"
"Why is your owner selling you?" asked the man?
"Well, I guess I've served my purpose. I was a spy for the CIA. I could walk into secret meetings and report back. I did this for many years. I single handedly prevented many wars and saved numerous lives. They fed me steak, I stayed in the finest hotels, and always travelled first class. The cold war is over now I can't walk very good. So he's selling me."
The man returned to the owner and said he'd take the dog. But first asked, "Why are you selling this famous dog for only $10?'
The owner replied, "He didn't do any of that sh*t!"
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked:Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... SO, are you telling me I shouldn't go?"
Edna: "NO, NO, NO... I'm just saying, wear an old dress." :yikes:
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... SO, are you telling me I shouldn't go?"
Edna: "NO, NO, NO... I'm just saying, wear an old dress." :yikes:
Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
:2thumbs:
Indyron
New member
Amazing research on beer consumption...
Amazing Fact about Beer
This is scary. The same stuff might be in wine. Better to confine
a guy's intake to bourbon, scotch, rum, vodka, gin and other
hormone-free liquors.
As Ronald Reagan said: Why take that chance?
This is alarming. Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, MontrealUniversity and scientists released the
results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer
consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops
contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn
into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 10 schooners of beer within
a one (1) hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further research was considered necessary!
Amazing Fact about Beer
This is scary. The same stuff might be in wine. Better to confine
a guy's intake to bourbon, scotch, rum, vodka, gin and other
hormone-free liquors.
As Ronald Reagan said: Why take that chance?
This is alarming. Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, MontrealUniversity and scientists released the
results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer
consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops
contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn
into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 10 schooners of beer within
a one (1) hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further research was considered necessary!
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