Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

[tconaagt]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 20 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change:$29.00 Coffee: Complementary TOTAL: $29.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner; use your debit card for $40.00.

2. Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under son’s bike.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19. Remember drain plug from step 11.

20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21. Drink beer.

22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25. Begin cussing fit.

26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.

28. Beer.

29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30. Beer.

31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32. Beer.

33. Lower truck from jack stands.

34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35. Beer.

36. Test drive truck.

37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38. truck gets impounded.

39. Call loving wife, make bail.

40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.

Money spent: Parts: $50.00 DUI: $2,500.00 Impound fee: $75.00 Bail: $1,500.00 Beer: $20.00 TOTAL: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!

 

[Yazz]

Picture of an inbred cat...

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[granpa in Cincy]

Can you do this ?

· Six Basic Truths in Life:
1 . You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, it is a physical impossibility, due to the tendons within your neck.
2 . All idiots, after reading #1, will try it.
3 . And discover that #1 is a lie.
4 . You are smiling now because YOU are an idiot.
5 . You soon will share this with other idiots.
6 . There's still a stupid smile on your face. I sincerely apologize about this, but I too, am an idiot, and I needed company

 

[Bob Denman]

Yesterday I was buying a 2 large bags of Purina dog
chow at Target, for my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. I was about
to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she
think, that I had an elephant?
Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told
her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the
hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my
body and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet
and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets
and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention
here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story
by now.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive
care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no;
I had stopped in
the middle of the parking lot to lick my ass and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a
heart attack, he was laughing so hard! Target won't let me shop there
anymore.

 

[Bob Denman]

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been
considered acceptable for use...they are as follows:
11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"
Cap. E. J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912.
10. "What the @#$% was that?"
Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$% Indians come from?"
Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
Pythagorus, 126BC
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$% ing ceiling?"
Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where @#$% am I?
Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers...My Ass!
Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
Bill Clinton, 1999
AND A DRUM ROLL PLEASE???????????????
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'get this @#$%ing mad."
Saddam Hussein, 2003

 

[Rayelljay]

From a bumper sticker

If NASA can send a man to the Moon, why can't it send them all...???

 

[Rayelljay]

'Nother one.....

Your Corvette may go zero to sixty in three seconds flat but I can go from zero to bitch in an instant...!!!

 

[Blue Star]

A Police STOP at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

 

[tconaagt]

Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man came to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doctor, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yes, but none of us could get the jar open."

 

[retread]

Simple question

It really is, but in 40 years, no one has ever answered it. Can you?

The following letters represent one of the most basic progressions known to man... what is the next letter?

OTTFFSS

john

 

[wyliec]

It really is, but in 40 years, no one has ever answered it. Can you?

The following letters represent one of the most basic progressions known to man... what is the next letter?

OTTFFSS

john

That would be the letter 'E'.

 

[warp10]

E is correct. should we tell them the answer?

 

[wyliec]

E is correct. should we tell them the answer?

E=eight

 

[retread]

That's a first!

Nobody has been able to answer that before. Good one!!

john

 

[tconaagt]

Turpentine

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine.. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.. The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.' The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.' The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson. '

 

[arntufun]

Why is it so difficult to solve a murder in the south ?
A. All the DNA is the same and there are no dental records.

 

[ThreeFeet]

· Six Basic Truths in Life:
1 . You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, it is a physical impossibility, due to the tendons within your neck.
2 . All idiots, after reading #1, will try it.
3 . And discover that #1 is a lie.
4 . You are smiling now because YOU are an idiot.
5 . You soon will share this with other idiots.
6 . There's still a stupid smile on your face. I sincerely apologize about this, but I too, am an idiot, and I needed company

YOU ARE DEFFINETLY NOT ALONE IN THIS GROUP!!!!

 

[Bob Denman]

Why is it so difficult to solve a murder in the south ?
A. All the DNA is the same and there are no dental records.

Careful....:lecturef_smilie: Please remember that we have many Spyder owners South of the Mason-Dixon line...

 

[tconaagt]

Replacement Windows



Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.


Hellloooo...just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in One Year these windows would pay for themselves!


Hellloooo...It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

 

[retread]

Thoughts generated by rampant boredom;

Why does your car's speedometer got to 120 when it's illegal to go that fast?

Can you cry underwater?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of murdered?

Why do we put our 2 cents in, when it's only a penny for your thoughts? Where'd that extra penny go?

What disease did cured ham have?

If a deaf person goes to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why is bra singular, and panties plural?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Why did Kamikaze pikots wear helmets?

I people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And last, but not least. The statistics on sanity show that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends-- if they are okay, then it's you.