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Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
ArachnidRyder
New member
Courtesy of Dr. Grumpy's blog:
Jake is an elderly widower who lives at Shady Acres Care Home.
One day Sadie, who lives down the hall, comes over. "Jake," she says, "tomorrow the group bus is going over to see that new movie, and I'd like to go. But I haven't been to a movie since my husband died, and I'm nervous about going alone. Will you go as my date?"
Jake thinks for a moment. "You know, I haven't seen a movie since my wife died. I'd like to... But I have a request. Whenever we'd go to movies, I'd unzip, and my wife would hold my winkie during the film. Would you do that for me?"
Sadie thinks about it. "Why not? We're both in our 80's. What have I got to lose?" So they go to the theater, she holds his penis for the whole 90 minutes, and they both have a good time.
This goes on for the next several months, at every Wednesday movie outing.
Then, one day, Sadie calls to make sure they're on for that afternoon's trip, but Jake can't go. "I have a cold, Sadie. Sorry."
And the next time. "Sadie, I have a doctor's appointment."
And the next: "Oh, Sadie. I can't. I have to wash my hair."
"Jake, you don't have hair."
"I mean, the hair on my back."
This continues for another few weeks. Finally, Sadie confronts Jake outside the day room.
Sadie: "Jake, what's really going on? Why aren't you going to the movies with me anymore? No excuses."
Jake: "I... I've been going to them with Irma instead. I didn't know how to tell you without hurting your feelings."
Sadie: "IRMA? In room 507? Why? What does Irma have that I don't?"
Jake: "Parkinson's disease."
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Jake is an elderly widower who lives at Shady Acres Care Home.
One day Sadie, who lives down the hall, comes over. "Jake," she says, "tomorrow the group bus is going over to see that new movie, and I'd like to go. But I haven't been to a movie since my husband died, and I'm nervous about going alone. Will you go as my date?"
Jake thinks for a moment. "You know, I haven't seen a movie since my wife died. I'd like to... But I have a request. Whenever we'd go to movies, I'd unzip, and my wife would hold my winkie during the film. Would you do that for me?"
Sadie thinks about it. "Why not? We're both in our 80's. What have I got to lose?" So they go to the theater, she holds his penis for the whole 90 minutes, and they both have a good time.
This goes on for the next several months, at every Wednesday movie outing.
Then, one day, Sadie calls to make sure they're on for that afternoon's trip, but Jake can't go. "I have a cold, Sadie. Sorry."
And the next time. "Sadie, I have a doctor's appointment."
And the next: "Oh, Sadie. I can't. I have to wash my hair."
"Jake, you don't have hair."
"I mean, the hair on my back."
This continues for another few weeks. Finally, Sadie confronts Jake outside the day room.
Sadie: "Jake, what's really going on? Why aren't you going to the movies with me anymore? No excuses."
Jake: "I... I've been going to them with Irma instead. I didn't know how to tell you without hurting your feelings."
Sadie: "IRMA? In room 507? Why? What does Irma have that I don't?"
Jake: "Parkinson's disease."
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Bob Denman
New member
Gianni Poggio, an elderly Italian man who lives on the outskirts of
Positano, Italy, recently went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have
no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays.”
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one
more question though ..."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?''
Positano, Italy, recently went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have
no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays.”
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one
more question though ..."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?''
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
Some Shorties:
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays.”
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
:joke:
Jerry Baumchen
Some Shorties:
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays.”
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
:joke:
Jerry Baumchen
Bob Denman
New member
:clap:
retread
New member
I've been looking through some old pics, found one of a guy I met in the service, not the best looking, in fact, downright ugly. He told me he'd changed his name before he enlisted. Pushed my curiosity button, so I asked him why.
He told me that when he was born, his father had taken one look at him and said to his mother "let's call it Quits".
?
He told me that when he was born, his father had taken one look at him and said to his mother "let's call it Quits".
?
Bob Denman
New member
FULL BODY SCANS AT AIRPORTS:
CATSA disclosed the following Airport Screening Results
December 2013 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA :
Terrorists Discovered
0
Transvestites
133
Hernias
1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases
3,172
Enlarged Prostates
8,249
Breast Implants
59,350
Natural Blondes
3
It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls.
Thought you'd like to know.
CATSA disclosed the following Airport Screening Results
December 2013 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA :
Terrorists Discovered
0
Transvestites
133
Hernias
1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases
3,172
Enlarged Prostates
8,249
Breast Implants
59,350
Natural Blondes
3
It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls.
Thought you'd like to know.
PrairieSpyder
New member
Bob Denman
New member
I've heard a similar story about those flies......And a certain President! :shocked:
...just sayin'...
Bob Denman
New member
[FONT=Times New Roman,Times,serif]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif] Something to Think About!
Low military pay was not mentioned in the State Of The Union speech.
However, increasing the minimum wage was for those fast food employees
striking for $15 an hour. Let's do some math:
At $15 an hour Johnny Fry-Boy would make *$31,200* annually.
An E1 (Private) in the military makes* $18,378*.
An E5 (Sergeant) with 8 years of service only makes $35,067
annually.
So you're telling me, LaTisha McBurgerflipper, that you deserve as much as
those kids getting shot at, deploying for months in hostile environments,
and putting their collective asses on the line every day protecting your
unskilled butt!?
Here's the deal, Baconator, you are working in a job designed for a kid in
high school who is learning how to work and earning enough for gas, and
hanging out with their equally goofy high school pals. If you have chosen
this as your life long profession, you have failed. If you don't want
minimum wage, don't have minimum skills.
If you can read this, thank a teacher. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif] Something to Think About!
Low military pay was not mentioned in the State Of The Union speech.
However, increasing the minimum wage was for those fast food employees
striking for $15 an hour. Let's do some math:
At $15 an hour Johnny Fry-Boy would make *$31,200* annually.
An E1 (Private) in the military makes* $18,378*.
An E5 (Sergeant) with 8 years of service only makes $35,067
annually.
So you're telling me, LaTisha McBurgerflipper, that you deserve as much as
those kids getting shot at, deploying for months in hostile environments,
and putting their collective asses on the line every day protecting your
unskilled butt!?
Here's the deal, Baconator, you are working in a job designed for a kid in
high school who is learning how to work and earning enough for gas, and
hanging out with their equally goofy high school pals. If you have chosen
this as your life long profession, you have failed. If you don't want
minimum wage, don't have minimum skills.
If you can read this, thank a teacher. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]If it's in English, thank a Veteran.
This actually isn't very funny... :shocked:[/FONT]
[/FONT]This actually isn't very funny... :shocked:[/FONT]
mowin
New member
Your correct not funny. well actually LaTisha McBurgerflipper was funny:roflblack:. Sad our troops make less money than someone working at Burger King. :banghead:
Bob Denman
New member
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an avid opponent of hunting,
purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest
points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to
climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl, that attacked her. In her
haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and, as a result, got many splinters
in her crotch. In considerable pain, she rushed to a local ER to see a doctor. As she explained how
she came to get all the splinters, she shared with him that she was an environmentalist, a Democrat,
and how much she despised hunters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining
room while he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?” He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a ‘recreational area’ so close to a waste treatment facility. I’m sorry,
but due to *****care they turned you down.”
purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest
points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to
climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl, that attacked her. In her
haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and, as a result, got many splinters
in her crotch. In considerable pain, she rushed to a local ER to see a doctor. As she explained how
she came to get all the splinters, she shared with him that she was an environmentalist, a Democrat,
and how much she despised hunters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining
room while he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?” He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a ‘recreational area’ so close to a waste treatment facility. I’m sorry,
but due to *****care they turned you down.”
PrairieSpyder
New member
Political Correctness, defined . . .
This has been attributed to Harry Truman, but I doubt that.
This has been attributed to Harry Truman, but I doubt that.
Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of crap by the clean end!
Bob Denman
New member
:clap: :thumbup:
"...by the clean end..." :roflblack:
"...by the clean end..." :roflblack:
PrairieSpyder
New member
A visiting minister started the offertory prayer: "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without You we are but dust . . ."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill, little-girl voice: "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point.
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill, little-girl voice: "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point.
wyliec
New member
British Humor
BRITISH HUMOUR
On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realising that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.
The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, and discovered that the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the poodle.
Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman and said, "Please Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired?"
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired?"
This time, the Marine didn't say a word, but simply picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, then sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone, defend my honour! This American needs to be put in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold your fork in the wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir,you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realising that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.
The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, and discovered that the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the poodle.
Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman and said, "Please Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired?"
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired?"
This time, the Marine didn't say a word, but simply picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, then sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone, defend my honour! This American needs to be put in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold your fork in the wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir,you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Bob Denman
New member
Didn't see that coming... :clap:Bob Denman
New member
Bob Denman
New member
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