Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his
daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person,
'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbi
for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie
for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced
Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the
others only $19.95?'
Annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie
comes with: Ken's Truck, Ken's House, Ken's Fishing Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken's Computer, and one of Ken's Friends,

 

[spacetiger]

One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his
daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person,
'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbi
for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie
for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced
Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the
others only $19.95?'
Annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie
comes with: Ken's Truck, Ken's House, Ken's Fishing Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken's Computer, and one of Ken's Friends,

and a country song titled, "I got everything"

 

[cuznjohn]

lets see if i get banned for this joke

a man walks into a bar and sits next to the most beautiful red head he ever saw, after his first drink he ordered another and asked the girl if he could but her a drink, and she said sure. so after buying her a few drinks he said, can i ask you a question, she said sure go ahead.

he said, WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH ME FOR A MILLION DOLLARS, she looked him up and down and said, SURE I WOULD. after that drink he said could i ask another question, she said sure, he asked WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH ME FOR 500 THOUSAND DOLLARS, once again she looked him over and said YES I WOULD.

two drinks later he looked at her and said, WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH ME FOR 5 BUCKS, at that point the lady looked him square in the eyes and said, WHAT KIND OF WOMAN DO YOU THINK I AM FOR 5 BUCKS, at which point he said,

WE ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOU ARE, NOW WE ARE NEGOTIATING PRICE

wait for my pm from lamont lol

 

[mowin]

lets see if i get banned for this joke

a man walks into a bar and sits next to the most beautiful red head he ever saw, after his first drink he ordered another and asked the girl if he could but her a drink, and she said sure. so after buying her a few drinks he said, can i ask you a question, she said sure go ahead.

he said, WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH ME FOR A MILLION DOLLARS, she looked him up and down and said, SURE I WOULD. after that drink he said could i ask another question, she said sure, he asked WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH ME FOR 500 THOUSAND DOLLARS, once again she looked him over and said YES I WOULD.

two drinks later he looked at her and said, WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH ME FOR 5 BUCKS, at that point the lady looked him square in the eyes and said, WHAT KIND OF WOMAN DO YOU THINK I AM FOR 5 BUCKS, at which point he said,

WE ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOU ARE, NOW WE ARE NEGOTIATING PRICE

wait for my pm from lamont lol

Offer her $6.00 and your safe...:roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

Hey John,
Are you "Still Alive and Well"?

(I needed an excuse to listen to some Johnny!)

 

[cuznjohn]

yea been running around all day

 

[Bob Denman]

It's good to know that you're still here... :thumbup:

Oh! Regarding the thing about the woman...

When she moves back here; she's willing to keep an open mind... nojoke
I told her that she might have to buy her own jacket and helmet!

 

[cuznjohn]

what more can you ask for

 

[Bob Denman]

I just emailed you a real rib-tickler; please bring it in here! :thumbup:

 

[cuznjohn]

 

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack:
I forwarded it to you; and forgot to keep a copy for myself! :shocked:

Thanks! :thumbup:

 

[Iamjoey]

 

[Iamjoey]

Too funny not to pass on!!!



These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[Bob Denman]

[TABLE="width: 309"]
[TR]
[TD]THE ULTIMATE ETHNIC JOKE r&js2 エディ
[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,

... walk into a fine restaurant.



"I'm sorry," says the matre d', after scrutinizing the group...


"You can't come in here without a Thai." ã£

​

​

​

 

[cuznjohn]

:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack: lame

now remember i am Italian so i can tell this joke

after drinking all night and saying who is the better hunter, 3 men go hunting, a man from France one from Germany and a Italian.

when they meet the man from France shows up in beautiful hunting clothes and is carrying a beautiful french made hunting rifle and a fantastic hunting dog

the German showed up in some of the best made hunting clothes and a beautiful shotgun made in Germany, and had a beautiful German Shepard

the Italian guy shows up, he is wearing a pair of torn jeans, and a dirty sleeveless tee shirt, also had the worst looking mutt of a dog that was acting crazy and running all around. and a broom stick in hand

the two other guys look at him and just shrug their shoulders and they walk into the woods to hunt. after a short time the mutt starts to point and look in a tree. there was a racoon in the tree. the German guy said, i will shoot it being you don't have a gun, but the Italian said i do my own hunting. he walks over to the tree and starts to hit the tree with the broom stick. the racoon loses his footing and falls to the ground, at that point the mutt runs over to the racoon and mounts it and humps it to death. the other two hunters are amazed and the Italian just smiles and picks up the racoon. they continue to walk and and hunt again.

about 10 minutes later the mutt points again at another tree. this time there is a bob cat in the tree. the German says, you better let me shoot this one, it is a bob cat. the Italian once again looks at them and says, i do my own hunting. he walks up to the tree and once again hits the tree a few times with the stick. his dog is going totally nuts and running around the tree. all of a sudden the bob cat falls out of the tree and the dog runs up to it and mounts it and humps it to death. the other two hunters were totally amazed again and the Italian picked up the bob cat and put it into a bag.

the continue to move on and keep hunting. about a half hour later the mutt points up into a tree and this time there is a 500 pound black bear in the tree. the french and German both say at the same time, better let us shoot this one because it is a big bear. the Italian says once again, i do my own hunting. as he approaches the tree the dog is going totally nuts running and jumping at the tree to get the bear. the others are worried about what might happen and stand at the ready to shoot the bear. the Italian hits the tree 3 times with the stick, but nothing happens and the dog is getting worse with the excitement. so once again he hit the tree 3 more times and still nothing. so for some strange reason he decides to climb up in the tree. the dog is going wacko. the Italian gets onto a limb across from the bear and hits the bear with the broom stick, this only gets the bear man and the dog more nuts than it has been, he stars poking the bear with the stick and the bear with it's claws grabs the stick and pushes the Italian till he looses his balance in the tree and starts to fall off the limb. as he starts to fall to the ground the Italian man yells out to the other two hunters,,,,,, SHOOT THE DOG!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: :clap::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack: :2thumbs:

 

[Bob S]

*Her Diary:*
Tonight, I thought
my husband was acting weird. We had
made plans to meet at a nice restaurant
for dinner. I was
shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was
upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
that we go somewhere quiet so we
could talk. He agreed,
but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong;
he
said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was
upset. He
said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do
with me, and not to worry
about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled
slightly,
and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't
know why
he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost
him completely, as
if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just
sat
there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem
distant and
absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I
decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to
bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and
his thoughts
were somewhere else. He fell asleep -- I cried.
I don't know
what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts
are with someone else. My life
is a disaster.


*His Diary:*
Bike wouldn't start; can't figure out
why.

The way I hear it:

He: Four put!, Who the F.... Four puts?

 

[cuznjohn]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the trunk if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

 

[Iamjoey]

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."

The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

:banghead:

Jerry Baumchen