Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

While walking down the street one day, a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

‘Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

‘No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

‘Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in H*** and one in Heaven.Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

‘Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' says the senator.

‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St.Peter escorts himto the elevator and he goes down, down, down to H***. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator raises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and thed oor re-opens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

‘Now it's time to visit Heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

‘Well, then, you've spent a day inH*** and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.‘

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in H***.‘

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to H***.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster andc aviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?‘

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning....Today you voted.'

:hun:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: You'll have to try and re-post this one early in November, 2016... :thumbup:

 

[Iamjoey]

This is how the senators friends got there before him.

 

[Iamjoey]

Two hillbillies walk into a Restaurant.

​Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 

[vided]

An attorney arrived home late,after a very tough day trying to get astay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

​

​

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on
​

him about , 'What time of night to be getting home is this?
​

Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. Ando n and on and on
​

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he pouredhimself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soakin thebathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
​

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.​

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
​

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

​

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of herhusband, bent over naked,drying his legs and​

feet.'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

​

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'TYOU EVER STOP?!'
​

​

​

 

[Bob Denman]

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to talk to the drop
dead, gorgeous flight attendant: "What is your name?"
Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir"
Businessman: "Lovely name ... any relation to Mercedes Benz?"
Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close"
Businessman: "How close?"
Flight Attendant: "Same price"

 

[mowin]

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to talk to the drop
dead, gorgeous flight attendant: "What is your name?"
Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir"
Businessman: "Lovely name ... any relation to Mercedes Benz?"
Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close"
Businessman: "How close?"
Flight Attendant: "Same price"

Yep... expensive rides...:roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill...."

Adam asked, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On
the other side of the hill you will find a cave.."

Adam asked, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, 'I
want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the
hill, into the cave, where he finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said...



* "What's a headache?"

 

[Bob Denman]

I guess that Cowboys are getting older also... :shocked:

 

[Iamjoey]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough." :roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: That's not funny...

Did you know that it takes a very "secure" man, to use Crisco as a lubricant...
After all; it's shortening! :yikes:

 

[Bob Denman]

Where's Bob?

 

[Cruzr Joe]

:shocked: That's not funny...

Did you know that it takes a very "secure" man, to use Crisco as a lubricant...
After all; it's shortening! :yikes:

Crisco is also "Fat In The Can"

Cruzr Joe

 

[Gator37]

the Irish

AIRLINE FOOD - A TRUE STORY?

Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Aer kLingus flight from ​Dublin, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew in her lovely Irish brogue​ nervously made the following painful announcement..:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up one minute prior to take-off by our airport catering service...I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals...

I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued.. , "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came four hours ​ later...

"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."

GOD BLESS THE IRISH!

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

At the age of thirty, this young man had never had sex in his life because he was so embarrassed by his small manhood.

He finally went to a plastic surgeon to seek help. The plastic surgeon had a great bedside manner and told the young man, "C'mon now, there's a lot of less than average sized men out there."

The young man says, "Doc, you really don't understand. I never take off my pants - anywhere."

So, the Doc says, "Alright, well at some point I'm going to have to see what I'm working with here, so close your eyes, drop your drawers and let me take a look." With the young man's eyes closed, the Doctor takes a look and cringes.

The young man opens his eyes and pleads with him, "Is there anything you can do to help Doc? Please tell me you can help me."

The Doctor tells the young man, "Yes, I think I can help you, but there's one catch... about the only thing I can do is sew on a small baby elephant's trunk."

The young man is so elated that he's jumping up and down for joy and says, "Let's schedule the surgery for tomorrow!!!!"

The young man goes in for surgery at 7 AM and comes out of the anesthesia around 10 AM. He looks under the covers and is astonished. He jumps out of bed and starts waving the elephant's trunk all around the place.

The Doctor comes in and tells him it was a success.

The young man asks him, "How long before I can use it?!?!?!?!"

The Doctor says, "I don't see any reason that you couldn't start tomorrow night."

The young man lunges across the room, grabs up the phone and calls a female friend of his and tells her he's been cured!!! She wasn't too sure about this, but being a good friend, she listens. He asks her out to dinner the next night. "We'll get dressed up, I'll pick you up at 8 o'clock and we'll go somewhere really fancy." She agrees.

The next night, he picks her up and takes her to the most fancy restaurant in town... has those horseshoe dining tables and booths. The Maitre'd sits the at the table he's reserved, the waiter brings out water and some warm dinner rolls.

The young man slips his arm around her and tells her that he can't wait to show her....

SUDDENLY, the small elephant's trunk sneaks out from under the table, reaches into the basket of dinner rolls and sneaks back under the table.

The lady that's with him is aghast, stunned and smitten.

He has this look of shame and embarrassment on his face.

She turns to him and looks deep into his eyes and says, "Can you make it do that again????"

The young man says, "I think so, but I don't know if my butt can handle another hot roll shoved up it."

nojoke

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflb lack::roflblack::roflblack:
But I don't think that THEY liked it... :shocked:

 

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

Watching Congress is like watching elephants mate!

It's done on a very high level, there's a lot of screaming and roaring involved, and it takes two years to see the results! :banghead:

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,


Ralph just got placed in the "lifer ward" of the state's maximum prison, to begin serving a life sentence. The warden ran a tight ship, and allowed the inmates little freedom or activities to occupy their time. So except for a brief 30 minute solitary exercise walk, the inmates spend all their time cooped up in their cell, enduring endless boredom. Most of Ralph's fellow inmates had been there a long, long time.

Ralph introduced himself to his cellmate, Cliff, an older quiet man, whose personality seemed, like most of the other inmates, to have been worn down by years of monotonous existence. Ralph unpacked the few personal belongings they allowed him to have, and then laid down on his cot, wondering how things were going to go. And how long it might be before he, too, had the spark of life drained out of him.

Hours passed with very little chit chat being exchanged between the other inmates. As darkness fell on his first night, Ralph prepared to retire for the night. Suddenly a loud yell "ONE HUNDRED THIRTEEN!" shattered the silence. Seconds later, the ward erupted in laughter.

"That was strange", Ralph thought. The laughter subsided. But then a minutes or so later, another loud yell "FIFTY SEVEN!" broke the silence, followed, seconds later, with another uproar of laughter. This "number-followed-by-laughter" was repeated a few times before Ralph ask Cliff what it was all about.

"Well," said Cliff, "most of us have been here ages. We used to entertain ourselves by telling jokes at night, when the bustle of the day was over, and the guards would be a little more lenient. But it wasn't too long before everyone had exhausted all the jokes they knew, and then repeatedly retold them over and over. Soon it got to the point were we knew what the joke was once the first few words of the joke were uttered. So to shorten the process, we assigned numbers to the jokes that we all knew. Then to tell a joke, instead of actually repeating the words of the joke, you'd just call out the number of the joke you wanted to tell."

"Hmm ... So how many jokes do you guys know?" asked Ralph.

"One hundred and twenty seven", replied Cliff. "Would you like to try telling one?"

Ralph pondered that question a bit, and thought "Why not? Seems like the only communal activity here, and I might as well try to fit in". "Sure" Ralph said, "I'll give it a go. Let me think of a number..."

"EIGHTEEN!" Ralph screamed. Silence. Three seconds, five seconds, ten seconds. Obviously there wasn't going to be any laughter.

"So what happened, Cliff? Is EIGHTEEN no longer a joke, or maybe it is a crummy joke no one really likes?"

Cliff replied: "No, 18 is a great joke, usually very funny. Perhaps it was the way you told it."

:banghead:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

The following joke is a little risque'; so you are forwarned.

Now that I know none of you will not read it, here goes:

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine.

It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" asks Marie.

"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"

His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up.

So she says: "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.

"Pierre, what are you doing" she says.

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"

:yes::yes::yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

:clap: Even if I can't tell this one to the Missus: :thumbup: