Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Always have a positive attitude:

Late in the night, a bull rider finally regained consciousness. He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms,
a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him.
He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly
and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?"

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!!!!!!!

:yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

Spoken like a true Champion!! :firstplace: :clap:

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Might be an oldie, but here goes:

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


:yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

The modern wedding:

"Daddy, I am coming home to get married soon, so get out your check book. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. As you know, I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber.

My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.

Lots of love and thanks, Your favorite daughter,

Lilly."

"My Dear Lilly,

Like, Wow! Really? Cool !

Whatever....., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal and when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.

Lots of love,

Dad"

:yes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack: Who said that "Love is dead, in this Modern Age"? :roflblack:

 

[spidergreg]

Natural Born Citizen

Nothing to do with Democrats versus Republicans -- relax. Here is our real problem.....



In a University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States .

It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen, at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.

In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant.

Sadly, not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections!

They breed....... and they walk among us.

 

[Bob Denman]

Wait 'til I tell the Missus that she disqualified Sonny-Boy, from his chance at the Oval Office... :yikes:

 

[vided]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[vided]

she looks like my happy one

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” the son asks.“

"Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”

The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.

“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

nojoke

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack: And then...




... The FIGHT started!!! :roflblack:

 

[vided]

Really, can you blame him?

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, joined the Marine Corps. On his first day in basic training, the Marine Corps issued him a comb. That afternoon, the Marine Corps barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Marine Corps issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon, the Marine Corps dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Marine Corps issued him a jock strap. The Marine Corps has been looking for Herman for 51 years.​

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

Neil Snyder, owner of the National Football League team, the
Washington Redskins, has announced that following in-depth research
into the acceptance of the team name, it is conclusive that the name
has been found offensive. Beginning with the 2017 season, Snyder is
dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be
simply known as "The Redskins." Results of the research discovered
that the word 'Washington' imparts a negative image of poor
leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and
is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football!

 

[vided]

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A 90 year old man is having his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he is doing.

"I've never been better!" he replies. "I have an 18 year old bride who is pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment and then says: "Well, let me tell you a story: I know a guy who is an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day, he is in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he walks in the woods near a creek and he spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. *BAM*, the beaver drops dead in front of him.

"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief. "someone else must have shot that beaver!"

"Exactly," says the doctor.

:yikes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

Reminds me of this one.

Ol' Farmer John, nearly eighty years old, comes into town and runs into Banker Fred. "John, how you doin'? Your wife passed away awhile back, didn't she? How's the adjustment coming along?"

"That's right. It's been two years now, but things are looking good. You know, I'm getting married next week! Nice young healthy energetic good looking woman, 32 years old! Met her on the internet!"

Banker Fred gets to thinking ol' John is going to need some help keeping this lady down on the farm, so he says, "John, I got an idea for ya. You're getting up there in years where taking care of that farm is probably getting to be a bit much for you, even though you do have most of it rented out. I think you should get you a young tough energetic hired hand. Then you and the new missus can travel, take cruises, and just enjoy life. You deserve it!"

"By George, that's a wonderful idea," John exclaims.

A few months later John is in town again and runs into Banker Fred. "John, how ya doin'? How's things with the new wife?"

Ol' John says, "Just absolutely wonderful! In fact the wife is pregnant wouldn't you know?"

"Hmm," Fred thinks. "Tell me John, did you get yourself a hired hand, and how's that working out?"

"Yes I did. I'm glad you suggested I do that. And believe it not, she's pregnant too!"

 

[vided]