Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

[vided]

Pulled over at 2am

Philip, soon to be 83 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 am
and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Philip replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on
the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Philip replied, "That would be my wife."

 

[LateLifeCrisis]

The Biker and The Bird

A biker is zippin' down the road, just enjoying the beautiful day, the wind in his face, thinkin' all is right with the world. All of a sudden, a sparrow flies in front of him and SMACK! the bird hits him square in the chest and drops in his lap. The biker pulls over, checks out the little bird and thinks he sees his chest going up and down. Being kindhearted, he takes the bird home and puts him in his kid's old gerbil cage hoping he'll be okay.

A few hours later the bird wakes up, shakes his head and glances around, wondering where he is. He hops up, looks around, realizes he's in a cage and says to himself, "****, guess I killed the biker!"
:roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

Excellent! :clap: This one is going out to all of my friends across the 'net! :thumbup:

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Blue Star]

I liked it

This one won't last... but it IS funny!

By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?

Trust me Bob. I liked it, and thought it was funny. Sometimes a joke is not funny without certain details. By the way, I'm born and raised in California.

 

[Bob Denman]

I saw lots of rain for the "Left Coast": how are you guys doing? :shocked:

 

[Bob Denman]

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a blind Monk walk into a Bar...
The Bartender says:
"What is this: some kind of a joke?"

 

[Pirate looks at --]

Drying out

I saw lots of rain for the "Left Coast": how are you guys doing? :shocked:

Break in the weather Bob, Lake Orriville is down 50 feet, and they are working on fixing the spillway.

 

[cuznjohn]

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a blind Monk walk into a Bar...
The Bartender says:
"What is this: some kind of a joke?"

horse walks into a bar, the bartender asked, why the long face ---------- BA RUMP BUMP

 

[Bob Denman]

A Guy walks into a bar with a monkey sitting on his shoulder...
The bartender asks:
"What's with that?"
The Monkey says:
"I dunno. One day, my butt just started itching, and then next thing I know..."

 

[Bob Denman]

Break in the weather Bob, Lake Orriville is down 50 feet, and they are working on fixing the spillway.

I'm glad to hear that the situation is improving! :2thumbs:

 

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A younger, inexperienced Indian chief was wondering how much firewood he needed to gather for the winter. He was not like the chiefs in the past that could tell from the clouds and stuff like that.

He decided to make his people gather tons of firewood, more than they usually gather just to be safe. The young chief was still curious though so he decided to call the weather service people.

The weather service said that it was supposed to be a pretty cold winter, colder than most years.

So the young chief made his people gather more firewood. They were getting pretty tired.

Again the chief called the weather service and they said that it was suppose to be even colder.

So the Indians went back to wood cutting, and were getting even more tired. Some were even ill and their hands were rubbed raw and blistered. They had to build an additional hut for all of the firewood which took even more wood to build.

Once again the chief called, and the weather service said that there may be another ice age.

The chief asked him how they could tell all of this and he simply replied, "Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"

:yikes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

You know what they say:
"It's better to have it and not need it; than get caught raiding your neighbor's wood-pile!" :thumbup:

 

[Peter Aawen]

...than get caught raiding your neighbor's wood-pile!" :thumbup:

ESPECIALLY if your neighbour has been annoyed by people flogging his wood & so has taken to occasionally drilling out the centre of the odd random log or six & filling the resulting holes with dynamite!! :shocked: That can rapidly turn a cold winter's evening gathering around the fire into a real blast!! :yes: :yes: :roflblack: :roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

Yup! :thumbup:
Our hunting camp kept having it's wood supply pilfered, so we did just that! nojoke
(Well, we loaded the log with blackpowder...)
I heard about a camp blowing up at the Annual Meeting; but of course I knew nothing about it.
(Our camp is part of a collection of 31 camps, that lease from a logging company.)

 

[Bfromla]

http://drive.google.com/file/d/0Byng4ND1o-JLdWRoNUxFYy1nYkk/view?usp=drive_web


I wasn't there but I still care!
POW MIA VETS

 

[cuznjohn]

 

[SpyderConvert]

Double Duty

A woman is going at it with her husband's best friend one afternoon
when suddenly the phone rings. She hops out of bed to answer it:

"Hello . . . OK, bye."

"Who was that?" asks the guy.

"Just my husband," she replies.

"Oh, ****, I'd better get going. Did he say where he was? Is he
coming home?"

"Don't worry," says the wife. "He said he's down at the bar
playing a few games of pool with you."

 

[Bob Denman]

This is what all of you 70+ year-olds, and yet-to-be kids have to look
forward to!! This is something that happened at an assisted living
center.

The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria.

One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on
his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running
late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs.
He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and
seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance
but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of
the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they
called an ambulance for him.

A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine,
he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

I am sending this to my children so that they don’t sell the house before they know the facts.