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Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
Bob Denman
New member
What the Heck...
I'll post it...
One of the best Comedic Teams in the past forty years!
I'll post it...
One of the best Comedic Teams in the past forty years!
Bob Denman
New member
It's not about our President... nojoke
It's about the hilarity of the interactions between those two. :roflblack:
It's about the hilarity of the interactions between those two. :roflblack:
All the Thanks I Need
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.r
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
“My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.r
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
“My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
Bob Denman
New member
:firstplace: :2thumbs:
ray:
JerryB
New member
Hi Three-Wheels,
I hope this one has not been posted before:
While walking home from school one day, little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods.
Somewhat curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. He finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
“I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to see what was happening and I saw Daddy was giving Aunt Jane big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy….”
At this point, his mother had an idea and cut him off, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story. I think you should save the rest of it for supper time because I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”
Later that night at the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and, “Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”
Jerry Baumchen
I hope this one has not been posted before:
While walking home from school one day, little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods.
Somewhat curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. He finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
“I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to see what was happening and I saw Daddy was giving Aunt Jane big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy….”
At this point, his mother had an idea and cut him off, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story. I think you should save the rest of it for supper time because I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”
Later that night at the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and, “Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”
Jerry Baumchen
Bob Denman
New member
Nice save; Johnny!!
PrairieSpyder
New member
A Frickin' Elephant
From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher.
My five-year old students are learning to read. Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"
I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"
And so it does...
" A f r i c a n Elephant "
Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?
From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher.
My five-year old students are learning to read. Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"
I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"
And so it does...
" A f r i c a n Elephant "
Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
I hope that this one has not been posted before,
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
:sour:
Jerry Baumchen
I hope that this one has not been posted before,
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
:sour:
Jerry Baumchen
Bob Denman
New member
:clap: :roflblack:Bob Denman
New member
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
A little old lady answered her doorbell and saw a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple ofminutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"
As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a very good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
Jerry Baumchen
A little old lady answered her doorbell and saw a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple ofminutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"
As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a very good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
Jerry Baumchen
JerryB
New member
Hi folks,
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds ayoung couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl tothe bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into thebathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probablyspent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how hekissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Jerry Baumchen
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds ayoung couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl tothe bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into thebathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probablyspent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how hekissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Jerry Baumchen
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