Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

Would you expect anything less??? :shocked: :roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

CARDIOLOGIST'S FUNERAL
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked
for most of his life.
A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. All the doctors from the
hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the
doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. With all eyes staring at him, he said, 'I am so
sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist.'
Then the proctologist fainted.

 

[Dustybell]

:yikes: :roflblack:

 

[Pennyrick]

A young lady visits the doctor complaining about a green rash on the inside of her thighs. The doctor examines her, sees the green is really there and tells her to button up and come to his office.

"From what I can see", he says, "I'd say your boyfriend rides a Harley."

"Wow," that's right she says, "how did you know that?"

"That isn't important", says the doctor. "Just tell him his ear rings aren't real gold."

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked:

:2thumbs:

 

[Trickie Dick]

A Bit of Irony

And saving the best for last

 

[Blue Star]

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

 

[Blue Star]

Almost

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

 

[Blue Star]

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

 

[Blue Star]

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '

 

[Blue Star]

Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'


Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'


Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'


A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'


A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

 

[Blue Star]

HOW TO CALL POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going
up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the
garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George
opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were
people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' He said
'No,' but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing
from me.

Then the police dispatcher said 'All patrols are busy. You should lock
your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.'
George said, 'Okay.' He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he
phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them
now because I just shot them.' and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two
Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen
said to George, 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'.

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'.

I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people.

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: :roflblack::roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:
Thanks for some real good 'uns! :thumbup:

 

[jvicker]

I received my tax return for 2012 back from the IRS with questions on my dependents. It puzzled me and I have been working on it ever since!!!
They questioned how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents."
I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate, and 1 useless President."
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO IN HELL DID I MISS?

 

[jvicker]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads

 

[jvicker]

Apple does it again!

Apple announced today that it has developed
a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost between $499 and $699, depending
on cup and speaker size.* This is considered a
major social breakthrough because women are
always complaining about men staring at their
breasts and not listening to them.

 

[Black Pig]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't sort yourself out, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why!'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not coming to the shop
with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your dinner.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Just look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all those sprouts are all gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You're in for it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; you'll be cold outside!'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
'When you fall off that swing, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

​

 

[Black Pig]

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!


A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane... Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'


Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'



Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'


Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!


Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!



Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!



Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off..
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'


An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'
She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'


Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'


Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London !'



An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick twits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim

 

[Bob Denman]

Kinda brings a tear to your eye!

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall.

As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.
Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where
you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up, started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

 

[Bob Denman]