MidLifeCrisis
New member
I hadn't seen that in years! Very funny and frighteningly true!!!
Sent from my Xoom using Tapatalk 2
Sent from my Xoom using Tapatalk 2
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There were many reasons for the change of the site software, the biggest was security. The age of the old software also meant no server updates for certain programs. There are many benefits to the new software, one of the biggest is the mobile functionality. Ill fix up some stuff in the coming days, we'll also try to get some of the old addons back or the data imported back into the site like the garage. To create a thread or to reply with a post is basically the same as it was in the prior software. The default style of the site is light colored, but i temporarily added a darker colored style, to change you can find a link at the bottom of the site.
Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
MURDER AT COSTCO
(You're going to hate me for this...)
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Costco
MURDER AT COSTCO
Tired of constantly
Being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend'
Put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.
The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few Days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave The premises.
Under intense Questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the Newspaper, the headline declared...
Tired of constantly
Being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend'
Put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.
The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few Days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave The premises.
Under intense Questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the Newspaper, the headline declared...
(You're going to hate me for this...)
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Costco
granpa in Cincy
New member
Booo Hiss
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: I bet that the lines for that sale are gonna be annoying...
Note to self: Shop at Wal-Mart this weekend instead!
Note to self: Shop at Wal-Mart this weekend instead!
Semper FI
A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't even noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart mouthed punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.
There was dead silence. He has had no trouble with discipline the whole year.
A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't even noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart mouthed punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.
There was dead silence. He has had no trouble with discipline the whole year.
Bob Denman
New member
I was visiting my daughter and family last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century,” she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."
I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it.
"This is the 21st century,” she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."
I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it.
draboo
New member
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -
"Is that one word or two?"
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -
"Is that one word or two?"
NautiBrit
New member
SEX AFTER DEATH
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the
first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again,
bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch, you'd be proud - lots of greens.
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back
to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day
it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit in Phoenix " .
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the
first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again,
bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch, you'd be proud - lots of greens.
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back
to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day
it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit in Phoenix " .
Bob Denman
New member
Yazz
MOgang Member
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
Agent:"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
Rancher:"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90 percent of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife sometimes."
Agent:"That's the guy I want to talk to."
Rancher:" That would be me."
Agent:"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
Rancher:"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90 percent of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife sometimes."
Agent:"That's the guy I want to talk to."
Rancher:" That would be me."
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: I think that's what MOST of us businessowners feel like these days... :gaah:
dannymax
New member
Lost kid
A little boy about 8 walked up to the security guard in a large department store and told him, "Sir, I was shopping with my Grandfather but I can't find him and now I'm lost."
"We'll find him son, what's he like?" The guard asks.
The boy replies, "Old Grandad whiskey and blondes with big boobs!"
A little boy about 8 walked up to the security guard in a large department store and told him, "Sir, I was shopping with my Grandfather but I can't find him and now I'm lost."
"We'll find him son, what's he like?" The guard asks.
The boy replies, "Old Grandad whiskey and blondes with big boobs!"
Bob Denman
New member
:shocked: Gramps?? :shocked:
Bob Denman
New member
Careful... :shocked:
:lecturef_smilie: "Check your six", before putting something like that up on the screen! :yikes: :roflblack:
:lecturef_smilie: "Check your six", before putting something like that up on the screen! :yikes: :roflblack:
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bruisersbaby
GOS member (Girls On Spyders)
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Jersey guy are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.
The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, "Vive la Fran...ce!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Jersey guy says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. He takes the fork and jabs himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.
The chief screams, "What are you doing?"
The Jersey guy looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, *%$#&*&!
Yes, I am originally from NJ and we are tough!! nojoke
The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, "Vive la Fran...ce!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Jersey guy says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. He takes the fork and jabs himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.
The chief screams, "What are you doing?"
The Jersey guy looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, *%$#&*&!
Yes, I am originally from NJ and we are tough!! nojoke
Bob Denman
New member
Having survived my collegiate career in Jersey; I am definitely passing this one along to some of my cohorts in crime! :thumbup:
NautiBrit
New member
A little late
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[TD] A cabbie picks up a Nun in San Francisco . She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
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[TD] A cabbie picks up a Nun in San Francisco . She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
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