Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

[Peter Aawen]

True Bob, true!! ^^

Altho the Jihadists might; by my count there are only 62...... Oh, hang on a minute. They might not be virgins. pps:




:joke: :roflblack:

 

[JerryB]

Hi Peter,

Re: They might not be virgins.

This reminds of a story that I read a few years after Grace Kelly married Prince Ranier. Apparently, he was rather shocked to find out, on their wedding night, that she was not a virgin. Oh, the horror.

I have also read ( many years ago ) that Grace was quite the veteran of the old Casting Couch. She knew how to land a role in a movie.

:yikes:

Jerry Baumchen

 

[Bob Denman]

It's better to do business with an established firm; right? :dontknow:
I'd NEVER fly with Virgin America... nojoke
If it's THEIR first time: I don't want it to be my last! :shocked:

 

[cuznjohn]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

 

[mowin]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

:roflblack: :roflblack:

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: I've been guilty of this one more than a couple of times also... pps:

 

[Bob Denman]

https://youtu.be/k8oJKa6ybRo

Now it seems as if this wiener, and not Bill's; might be the one to derail a campaign... :dontknow:

You just can't make this stuff up!

 

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

Divorce

A couple of buddies are sitting in the bar having a few. One says, "I'm thinking about divorcing my wife. She hasn't spoken to me for 2 months! Nothing, no words at all, nada. It's starting to get on my nerves."

"Don't do it, man! You better think really hard about it. Those kind of women are hard to find!" :roflblack: :roflblack: :roflblack:

 

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

The Baptist Cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Budweiser. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving over seas some where. When we all left our home in Texas we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[cuznjohn]

 

[Bob Denman]

A "refresher" of one liners for this election year:

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
~Aesop~

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the
Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even
where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm
beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the
tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and
your opponents will do it for you.
~unknown~

Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come
to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
~Ronald Reagan~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about
us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to
be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be
better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~

There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on
Congressmen.
~Will Rogers

We'd all like to vote for the best man, but he's never a candidate.
~Kin Hubbard~

 

[vided]

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
​

​

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
​

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you
​

finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
​

​

"Yes, I know boss, and I am sorry and am working on it."
​

​

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear."
​

​

"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder."
​

​

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment,
​

​

"I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you
​

showed up in the morning late so often?"
​

​

The old man looked down at the floor, and smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,
​

​

"They usually saluted and said, 'Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?'"
​

​

 

[Bob Denman]

Talk about NOT leaving the Boss anywhere to hide! :shocked:

 

[vided]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[cuznjohn]

a man is out hunting bears. way off in the distance, he sees a big black bear. he raises his gun, looks through his scope, and realizes the bear is way too far for a clean shot. with that he lowers his gun, and waves for the bear to move closer. much to his surprise, the bear moves closer and stands on his rear legs.

the hunter looks through his scope, and thinks the bear is still too far. so being it worked the first time, the man gestured for the bear to move closer. once again, the bear got on all fours again and moved closer, then stood up to look at the hunter again. believe it or not, the hunter felt that if the bear was just a little closer, he could have the perfect shot. once again he motioned to the bear to move closer. but the bear had enough. this time when the bear got on all fours, he charged the hunter.

in a panic as the bear got closer, the hunter raised his gun, but by the time he spotted the bear in the scope, the bear was on him. as the bear stood on his rear legs, he had the hunter in a REAL BEAR HUG. the hunters life flash before his eyes, he figured he was going to die, as the bear squeezed him, and was growling like the hunter never heard before. as the bear has him with his arms beside his side, the hunter feels the bears PRIVATE PARTS right by his right hand. feeling he was going to die, he thought to himself, i am going to squeeze the bears PRIVATE PARTS as hard as i can, what can i lose. and with all his mite, he squeezed. the bear let out a BIG GROAN, and let the man go.

well as soon as he got loose from the bear, the man turned and ran away as fast as he could. as he was running for his life, he turned to look where the bear was. as he looked, he saw the bear, standing on his rear legs again, and the bear was WAVING FOR THE HUNTER TO COME BACK

 

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

A couple of old guys were talking when John asked Bob, "What are you doing these days?"

"Started last week working as a Walmart greeter!"

"Oh man, I'm sure sorry to hear that."

"Why do you say that?"

"Don't you know, being a Walmart greeter is the last job you have before you die?"

 

[Bob Denman]

:shocked: :yikes:

 

[draboo]

A Harley rider eating in a restaurant is checking out a gorgeous redhead. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket. The biker reaches up, snatches it out of the air, and hands it back to her. "I am so embarrassed," the woman says. "Please join me for dinner."
They enjoy a wonderful meal together and afterwards she invites him to the theater, followed by drinks. She pays for everything. Then she asks him to her place for a nightcap, and to stay for breakfast.
The next morning the guy is amazed. "Are you this nice to every biker you meet?" he asks.
"Not usually," she replies. "But you just happened to catch my eye."