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There were many reasons for the change of the site software, the biggest was security. The age of the old software also meant no server updates for certain programs. There are many benefits to the new software, one of the biggest is the mobile functionality. Ill fix up some stuff in the coming days, we'll also try to get some of the old addons back or the data imported back into the site like the garage. To create a thread or to reply with a post is basically the same as it was in the prior software. The default style of the site is light colored, but i temporarily added a darker colored style, to change you can find a link at the bottom of the site.
Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.
- Thread starter ThreeWheels
- Start date
tconaagt
New member
Adult Truths:
I especially love the last one !
Adult Truths:
1. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when
you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when
I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately
clear your computer history if you die
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm
pretty sure I know how to get out of my
neighborhood.
8. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at
work when you know that you just aren't
going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I
don't want to have to restart my
collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks
me if I want to save any changes to my
ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not
to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with
Miller Lite than Kay..
17. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how
the person died.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
hunger..
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just
nod and smile because you still didn't hear
or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team
up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the
front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get
dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and
still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their
car keys in a pocket, finding their cell
phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find
and push the snooze button from 3 feet
away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874
and the first helmet was used in 1974.
That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is
also important.
I especially love the last one !
Adult Truths:
1. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when
you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when
I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately
clear your computer history if you die
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm
pretty sure I know how to get out of my
neighborhood.
8. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at
work when you know that you just aren't
going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I
don't want to have to restart my
collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks
me if I want to save any changes to my
ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not
to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with
Miller Lite than Kay..
17. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how
the person died.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
hunger..
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just
nod and smile because you still didn't hear
or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team
up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the
front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get
dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and
still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their
car keys in a pocket, finding their cell
phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find
and push the snooze button from 3 feet
away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874
and the first helmet was used in 1974.
That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is
also important.
Speaking of true events
Many years ago (I won't say how many) right after I turned 21, a group of friends (17 to 21) and I (the oldest) were at Disneyland. We took the tram ride to the hotel, and was standing in front of the hotel bar. I, trying to be the big shot since I just turned 21, said lets go inside. The girls at first were saying no, but I pushed the point. One of the girls (17) asked "I wonder if they serve virgins?" At this point without giving it a thought said "well if you don't tell them they won't know". Well after I took my foot out of my mouth, we decided to not go inside.
Many years ago (I won't say how many) right after I turned 21, a group of friends (17 to 21) and I (the oldest) were at Disneyland. We took the tram ride to the hotel, and was standing in front of the hotel bar. I, trying to be the big shot since I just turned 21, said lets go inside. The girls at first were saying no, but I pushed the point. One of the girls (17) asked "I wonder if they serve virgins?" At this point without giving it a thought said "well if you don't tell them they won't know". Well after I took my foot out of my mouth, we decided to not go inside.
Bob Denman
New member
Since a lot of us here are already at this stage of our lives...
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answers: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: Nuts!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as
they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Tea Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite
to tell the whole truth.
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answers: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: Nuts!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as
they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Tea Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite
to tell the whole truth.
BitSlayer
New member
Great thread!!! :roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:
Here is my contribution...
A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she ouches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches it makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"No, I'm really a blond."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
Here is my contribution...
A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she ouches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches it makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"No, I'm really a blond."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
BitSlayer
New member
OK, gotta post another one...
Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new
Mercedes into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greets hem in the typical Irish manner, unaware of who the
golf pro is... "Top O' the monrin' to ya".
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replied Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquires he Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replied Tiger.
"Hoots mon, would you ken it?" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those
fellas at Mercedes think of everything."
Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new
Mercedes into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greets hem in the typical Irish manner, unaware of who the
golf pro is... "Top O' the monrin' to ya".
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replied Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquires he Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replied Tiger.
"Hoots mon, would you ken it?" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those
fellas at Mercedes think of everything."
BentGamer
New member
Got This in The Email Today
>This was written by a guy... it's pretty darn good.
>Girls -- Have a sense of humor!
>
>I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
>
>FOR EXAMPLE:
>
>One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
>
>"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
>
>
>
>The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
>
>
>We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
>
>I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
>
>
>Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....
>This was written by a guy... it's pretty darn good.
>Girls -- Have a sense of humor!
>
>I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
>
>FOR EXAMPLE:
>
>One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
>
>"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
>
>
>
>The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
>
>
>We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
>
>I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
>
>
>Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....
Bob Denman
New member
What is it that they say about Payback? :shocked: :roflblack: :2thumbs: :clap:
SpyderRyder2B
New member
:clap::roflblack: Good one!
SpyderRyder2B
New member
Computer problems:
Subject:* Computer Problems
*As Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our
computers.*
*I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door,
whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. *
*Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? *
*He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, *
*'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied. *
*'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:*
*ID10T** **
I used to like Eric, the little bastard . . .*
Subject:* Computer Problems
*As Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our
computers.*
*I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door,
whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. *
*Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? *
*He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, *
*'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied. *
*'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:*
*ID10T** **
I used to like Eric, the little bastard . . .*
retread
New member
Middle age text abbreviations
ATD- At the doctor
BFF-Best friend fell
BTW-Bring the wheelchair
BYOT-Bring your own teeth
FWIW-Forgot where I was
GHA-Got heartburn again
IMHAO-Is my hearing aid on?
LMDO-Laughing my dentures out
OMMR-On my massage recliner
ROFLACGU-Rolling on floor laughing and can't get up
TTYL-Talk to you louder
ATD- At the doctor
BFF-Best friend fell
BTW-Bring the wheelchair
BYOT-Bring your own teeth
FWIW-Forgot where I was
GHA-Got heartburn again
IMHAO-Is my hearing aid on?
LMDO-Laughing my dentures out
OMMR-On my massage recliner
ROFLACGU-Rolling on floor laughing and can't get up
TTYL-Talk to you louder
bjt
Very Helpful Member
bjt
Very Helpful Member
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking , 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'.
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies.
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking , 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'.
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies.
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
bjt
Very Helpful Member
(You could substitute General Motors in for Ford in this one.)
A Modern Parable.
A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River
Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.
The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.
Sadly, the End.
A Modern Parable.
A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River
Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.
The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.
Sadly, the End.
tconaagt
New member
Jenny Craig for Men
Jason calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, Jason takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up..
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same the thing happens.
On the fifth day, Jason weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised!
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, Jason is out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when Jason weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on ! the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' Jason replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
Jason lost 63 pounds that week.
Jason calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, Jason takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up..
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same the thing happens.
On the fifth day, Jason weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised!
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, Jason is out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when Jason weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on ! the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' Jason replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
Jason lost 63 pounds that week.
bjt
Very Helpful Member
Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
BentGamer
New member
Another Email
Sunday
Morning Whoopie. I will never
hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her
95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her
grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart
attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two
people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking
for trouble.
Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the
Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be
alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
Sunday
Morning Whoopie. I will never
hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her
95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her
grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart
attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two
people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking
for trouble.
Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the
Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be
alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
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