Missing - Jokes! So I'll just start a thread.

[bruiser]

another golf story

These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?"
He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."
His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!"
The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced.
The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!"
The man replies, "I found it."

 

[Bob Denman]

And I don't even play golf!!

 

[bruiser]

I use to. But I kept loosing my balls.

 

[Bob Denman]

Limber Up!

 

[Daisyjoe]

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

 

[SNOOPY]

:roflblack:

 

[SNOOPY]

.

 

[Bob Denman]

:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack: :2thumbs:

 

[retread]

A farmer stopped at his neighbor's house one winter afternoon, and told the neighbor "I don't want your boy around my girl anymore!"
The neighbor was surprised, 'my boy told me he was going to marry her."
"Well, when he brought her home last night, he took a leak near my house, and wrote her name in the snow!"
"What's wrong with that."
"it was in her handwritng!"



john

 

[SNOOPY]

Ohsnap!

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[Bob Denman]

(Don't try this one at home... :roflblack

 

[Bob Denman]

 

[SNOOPY]

 

[Bob Denman]

Caution: Language...

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:



There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.



One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.



Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.



"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see a single *******, queer, piece of ****, horse's ass, tree hugger, socialist left wing *****lover, blind bastard, dip****, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"



We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun.



Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

 

[Blue Star]

Senior Love.......

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

 

[Blue Star]

Subject: lost my eye glasses

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. Like sitting around the pool and drinking Crown is not a good thing.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this, and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are in your 60s, retired, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week."
The line went quiet and my son-in-law picked up the phone and said that she had fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be a hell of a lot of fun.

 

[Bob Denman]